By THE GRADE SCHOOL COLUMNIST WHO SPENDS HER ENTIRE DESTINY AT TEMPLE
Mrs. Dorfman said we can take our Passover parsley in the styrofoam cup home and plant it in our gardens. We don't have a garden. My mom showed me rhubarb in the backyard once, and she plants impatients in the front box, but that's it. I'm going to bring mine to Seder and give it to Uncle Russ. He loves parsley and eats it like normal people who love carrots eat carrots.
I call Mrs. Dorfman “Yoda,” but not to her face and not to be mean. I just say it in my head because my hypothesis states that she is 100 years old and looks just like Yoda. P.S. Her head is also shaped like the guy's on the Lemonhead box. Today in Sunday School she taught us the song “Mi Pi El” and we sung it 18 billion times. MEE PEE EHL OH MEE PEE EHL YIVORACH KOL YISRAEL. Her arms flapped around with each syllable and we tried so hard not to laugh about Mrs. Dorfman saying ME PEE! ME PEE! over and over and over again. Janine laughed so hard she snorted and Yoda got mad and kicked her out. Then Janine screamed at her and called her a bitch. Janine looks like a Laura Ingalls sister and has fits because she’s hyper active.
I cannot get those MEE PEE EHL syllables out of my head. I forget what it even means but I can never forget how much I hate Sunday School. If you look up Sunday School in the World Encyclopedia you will see a picture of my bored face next to Bobby's and Read’s and Ellen’s. P.P.S. Ellen calls butts “Fannies.”
I don't just have to go to Sunday School. I also have to go to Hebrew school on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I walk all the way from school to Monroe Street and then take the B Meadowood bus to the Town&Country gas station. I get so nervous to ring the bell every single time. Because what if I miss it and the driver just keeps going and I freeze and he just keeps driving and driving, and by the time I finally ring the bell I'm wherever the bus goes when it keeps driving forever? I don't know if I dreamed that or if it actually happened once, or if the thought is just stuck in my head like MEE PEE EHL—it's that real in my mind. One time I fell asleep on the Camp Shalom bus on the way to camp when I was five and the driver had to wake me up. He drove me back to camp all alone on the bus and everyone cheered when we got there and I cried on account of everyone’s major staring problem. The Beav says “on account of” on Leave it to Beaver, so I just tried it. Also like that time I walked into the boys changing room instead of the girls and my brother Dan yelled ANN WHAT ARE YOU DOING and I had a hard time moving my feet.
I get off at the Town&Country and walk across the street to Mullins to buy candy for break. Sometimes I buy Twix and sometimes I buy the big chewy SweeTarts. I always eat all of the candy before class even starts and then I'm forced to beg M&Ms from Alyssa or Nibs off of Sam. I like Sam. I like like him. I even told him that someone has a crush on him IN OUR CLASS with initials “M.E.” He totally did not even get it. He’s totally immature.