I bet you’re wondering about The Middle School Columnist’s tan.

By The Middle School Columnist with a tan

I bet you’re wondering why I am so tan in January. Also, I’m not cold in my tank-top, and  I definitely did not shave my arms.

We went to Puerto Vallarta for winter break for my Bat Mitzvah present, even though it wasn’t on my list. What I put on my list was a swimming pool in the ground in our backyard or a cruise. But when my parents gave me a letter with a picture of a hotel with a pool and palm trees and it said Puerto Vallarta, at least it’s where The Love Boat goes and there is laying out there. Unfortunately there are not cute boys there at all, no offense/no offense taken. I should know because now I get a letter practically every day EN ESPANOL from a 15-year-old named Juan. He is absolutely in love with me and he is not cute. He is 15 and that part is above-average.

Juan is 15 which is a plus and not cute which is a minus and we hung out with him and his friend all week which is asi-asi. I kept squinting my eyes to try to make him cute but it didn’t work. There was also an American kid named Jerrod who was a tiny bit cute but he was kind of abnormal.

My step-sister Amy got to come too, which isn’t fair because she didn’t have to go to Hebrew school or even have a Bat Mitzvah, but she makes me laugh and stops me from being so bored. I don’t know if you know this but you can get bored anywhere, even if palm trees and lying out are available and especially if you are in a land of no cute boys. Amy always meets boys. She met a guy named Salvidor immediately when we got to the beach. He planned to leave but swore he’d stay forever if she promised to be his girlfriend for the trip. She said no way, but they looked like they were already in love or something and she kept calling him Salvee. I was super glad when she basically told him see ya wouldn’t want to be ya.

Here are some FACTS about my tropical vacation:

I got to drink Nada Coladas on the beach.

We went on a day cruise and a drunk man almost sat on a baby. I took a picture of him. Amy couldn’t stop throwing up, so I was bored again.

I tried some disgusting new fruits from a cart on the beach and it gave me Montazuma’s revenge. Either that or too much sun gave me sun stroke.

Scrambled eggs are red in Puerto Vallarta and I don’t eat eggs in Puerto Vallarta.

If you compare the outside of my arm to the inside of my arm you will see that yes I am tan. I can prove it.

Here are some OPINIONS about my tropical vacation:

Mexico is pretty but you can still get bored because of no good TV and no cute boys in my opinion no offense/no offense taken.

Cruises are obviously better I bet.

Having your own swimming pool in your backyard is the best. I will never know this truth.

It’s a lie that you get approximately three or four different Swatch watches for your Bat Mitzvah. I was there and I didn’t get even one. Oops I think this goes under FACTS.