By THE HIGH SCHOOL COLUMNIST WHO IS GOING TO TURN THIS MUTHA OUT IN ‘90!
You are in High School now, Ann Krinsky, and High School means no more bullcrap. Do you understand??? Plus this is an entire new decade and it is just time already. You are no longer a frosh and it is just time!
So, I the first and only Ann Krinsky ever in the history of the universe do solemnly swear to these resolutions:
Tonight I’m going to party like it’s 1999! HA. J/K J/K Just kidding.
Seriously. Seriously now. I’m totally serious.
Stretch every morning and every night or you will never finally be able to do the splits. At least one side! COME ON!
Never comment on people’s jeans when they don’t tight-roll. You ruined your chances forever with Mike when you guys were on the risers and you mentioned he really needed to tight-roll his cuffs. WAY TO GO ANN. He was the only new and remotely cute guy and he was even in choir and now he hates you. But in my defense they practically looked like bell bottoms. Still. Remember in Less Than Zero when Jami Gertz spits at herself in the bathroom mirror because she is totally disgusted with herself once again? That is what you should do if you ever tell another soul to tight-roll his jeans. You have been warned, Ann Krinsky! You have been warned.
Remember not to flip your hair on the first floor. Sharon Carter and those girls almost kicked your ass last time.
Please finally understand how to get zit free.
Start an En Vogue group. Everyone said how awesome you and Sarah sounded in your duet of Somewhere Out There when we both sang out to the audience as individuals and not as Aaron Neville and Linda Ronstadt lezzies to each other. It is time to focus on your singing career. The West High stage is not Broadway, but even if it kind of is and even if you’re probably definitely talented enough, West High does not last forever! THANK GOD except there is no Fine Arts Week in real life! Oh MY God I am basically freaking myself out now. OH WOW Thanks so much Resolutions, NOT! (You so are welcome, Ann Krinsky!) HA HA HA J/K J/K J/K
If Jami Gertz played a model in Less Than Zero and sometimes people say you look like Jami Gertz, maybe that means you could even model. But all the cute boys want to kiss her in the movie, and no one wants to kiss you except every single nerd on the planet.
THAT REMINDS ME. Tell Craig he has to decide if you are friends or more than friends. Stop waiting around forever Ann. Camp is not reality. You need to move on. I know I need to move on but I cannot get over him because HE IS SO HOT. Like Ed Ollager hot, but nicer and Jewish, and not on drugs and lives in Minnesota. Also Craig would never stick his tongue down your throat on a ski hill like Ed Ollager and laugh mean like it was a joke. But actually I wish Craig would and why won’t he. CRAIG GROW UP AND ADMIT THE FEELINGS BETWEEN US. WE ARE LIKE THE PERFECT COUPLE. WHAT THE HELL? “Ooh, such obscene language from such a pristine girl” (From The Breakfast Club, duh.)
Don’t eat your cheese bagel so fast and then beg off everyone else. Same with cinnamon rolls. And gum.
OKAY! HAVE A GREAT YEAR! Now I have to go conjugate my Espanol. Back to life, Back to reality, However do you want me (CRAIG) However do you need me (CRAIG)!
Love,
Jami Gertz. I wish!
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Thank you SheKnows for recognizing me as one of the Moms That Will Make You Laugh Out Loud. Funny is the goal. Actually, not killing the blog in its sleep is the goal, then funny. Anyway, I’m honored. A lot.
Perfect!!! Literally laughed out loud Ann.
ReplyDeleteHow funny. Congratulations, Ann!
ReplyDeleteI was way more mature when I was a soph Ann. Pa-Lease....
ReplyDelete"Remember not to flip your hair on the first floor."
ReplyDeleteI think this is always good advice. Always wait until the 2nd floor. Minimum.
Hilarious. I wonder if Jami Gertz has written a similar resolution post in a Bizarro World somewhere, talking about how people have told her she looks like you.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on the honor. I think that may be better than actually being Jamie Gertz.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I waited all year for someone to write a post with the word "lezzies" in it. Classic high school lingo.
Ed Ollager was hot. Way better than Craig.
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year you successful hot mama you!
Oh, Ann, this was BRILLIANTLY FUNNY! I want to be BFF's with you FOREVA! ;)
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year to you! Thanks for all the laughs!
P.S. Are you going to Mom 2.0?
Every time I read one of these posts, I wish I had the skill to write one myself. But all I could do is plagiarize the notes Peter and I spent all of Senior year physics class passing back and forth. Yes, I still have them. They are funny, but not as hilarious as you. Thanks for the giggles.
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year!
You know you've done an amazing job channeling the high school vibe when your readers are laughing AND blushing. I'm dying over here!
ReplyDeleteI will be timing your bagel consumption rate at EBWW.
ReplyDeleteAnd CONGRATS on your mom-blogger kudos! Much deserved!!
XOXO
A.
"lezzies". That one word made me bust out laughing and have terrible memories at the same time. Can you guess who was called a "lezzie" for tickling her best friend in the locker room? I'll give you a hint--it wasn't Linda Ronstadt.
ReplyDeleteAnn. HOW do you bring me back there AND keep me laughing the whole time? HOW?
ReplyDeleteWho among us could resist the siren's call of cheese bagels, cinammon rolls and gum?
ReplyDeleteNot Julie Christianson, I can tell you that.
She also (probably definitely) couldn't do the splits. Not even on one side.
As for being a lezzie?
It was just a game at a slumber party, okay?
Probably definitely.
Congratulations, Ann, on the recognition! And on a brilliantly funny post.
ReplyDeleteI can't wait to read more from you. In the meantime, I'll be the one swimming through your archives and periodically changing my pantyliner. Such is my level of dedication to laughter. And to sneezing. But mostly to laughter. Thanks for making it possible.
Beth
My resolution: I always find that when I free my mind, the rest follows. Plus, then I'm not so shallow.
ReplyDeleteI would gladly join your En Vouge revival group, when of course there is revival in my ability to sing.
Oh, my side. Happy New Year, Ann!!
ReplyDeleteSteph
How do you do this.
ReplyDeleteHOW.
All in your head.
I can't tell you how I LOVE THIS.
It's you, your voice, Ann Krinsky. You've caught every single thing about you back then here.
Thanks for the good shivers.
xo
Always funny. Always. xo
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year!!
I love you, Ann Krinsky.
ReplyDeleteAhh, our girl is growing up! And hysterical.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE this.
Happy, happy 2012, Ann.
xoxo jj
You've triggered deeply buried and disturbing memories of trying to do the splits. I might need to stretch and then cry.
ReplyDeleteAnn Krinsky, will you be my valentine?
ReplyDeleteEither you carefully documented these years somewhere or you have an unbelievable ability to remember (what I have been trying to hard to forget!).
ReplyDeletetight-roll jeans that's funny
ReplyDeleteI am so glad rolling jeans is OUT. Though it's probably on the horizon of fashion seeing as how scrunchy boots and big plastic bangle bracelets are all the rage... I KNEW I should have saved my overall shorts. I KNEW IT.
ReplyDeleteCraig should have jumped on you when he had the chance.
ReplyDeleteHOW EVA....
Seriously Ann! You nail that voice. I loved this! Going to tweet it tomorrow. :)
ReplyDelete