Downward Facing Jowls: A non-express-line asana
Worrier Pose: Knit brow, tense jaw, beat chest, spit over shoulder. Watch out for the litter of infants in Santa hats behind you.
Childish Pose: Hands on hips, jutted lower-lip, eye-roll.
Oh-Joy Breathing: Deep sighs alternating with atonal passive-aggressive Skating Away humming.
Oy-Vey Breathing: Same as above, but shake head and downshift to atonal passive-aggressive Havanagila
Straw That Broke The Camel’s Backbend: Curl up in the middle of the aisle and alternate laughing and crying hysterically. Now is a good time to steal some M&Ms from the bottom candy rack.
Son Salutation: Proceed directly home. Turn on PBS kids for your dependents. Salute. Proceed directly to...
Chattarunga: Phone a friend.
Mountain Pose: Pause momentarily next to laundry hamper. Go directly to some peppermint bark.
Unhappy Mommy Pose: Get in bed, scream BITE ME ONE BILLION DOLLAR HOT WHEELS WALL TRACKS THAT DON'T STICK TO THE WALL mantra into pillow until falling into deep sleep.
Bridge Pose: Grab some retirees and gather around the card table. This is the dream sequence of your practice.
Plank: Breastfeed two boys. Ween. Look at profile in the mirror. You are wide awake now, unfortunately, and in need of some elves for your shelf.
Inversion: Twist someone’s words (an excellent couples pose!)
And finally a resting pose…shhhhhhhut-the-vassan-up-you-were-supposed-to-be-asleep-an-hour-ago
Finish with a cool chamomile and lavender scented Seratonin Specific Reuptake Inhibator.
photos compliments of freedigitalphotos.net
***
Giveaway Winners Announced! Make sure to read all the hilarious "Please Never Buy Me That" items in the comments. Thanks for playing, guys!
1. ElisaMarie you won Ketchup Is A Vegetable and Other Lies Moms Tell Themselves! Email Robin at robinschicks@gmail.com with your mailing address.
2. CommaGirl you won Wanted Cat! Email Marinka at marinkanyc@gmail.com with your mailing address.
3. The Empress you won the LTYM T-shirt! Email me your size, which style, and your mailing address please. annimig@yahoo.com
Happy Holidays, Dear People!!
Oh Joy and Oy Vey breathing? Hysterical.
ReplyDeleteHappy Everything to you, funny lady!
I'll be chuckling over this all day.
ReplyDeleteSince I now do yoga, I finally get this. FUNNY SCHTUFF!
ReplyDeleteChappy Chanukah!
Dammit! I shoulda wrote that!!
ReplyDelete:-) Great stuff, Ann.
Pearl
Ann, I'll never be able to do any yoga without laughing now!!
ReplyDeleteI feel like I've been doing these my whole life!
ReplyDeleteI'm an expert at Worrier pose. Also (one you forgot) I'm really great at Rage Against The Jackass Who Just Cut Me Off In Traffic Pose. My middle finger is especially bendy.
ReplyDeleteI held a complicated pose today involving packing tape, eight fingers, my chin, five strands of hair, and my right nipple. Not everyone is ready for it, but hang in there with it.
ReplyDeleteI haven't gotten to yoga in so long but yet this all seems so familiar.
ReplyDeleteYou have me laughing out loud over here! I am with you on all of these, especially the one about the cars. Also the breastfeeding.
ReplyDeleteSomehow, the link to Braja goes to the wrong post? Maybe try again?
ReplyDeleteDid enjoy your yoga solutions...*smiles*
I love Braja!!
ReplyDeleteAnd I won!!
I won!!@
I won a T shirt.
I'm a perfect 34 D.
bwahahahhahaha.
I just can't stop kidding.
Send the 32AA to my house, anytime.
Thank you, Ann!
You kill me! Now I feel prepared to brave the throngs of people at the grocery store and liquor store today. Okay, I really, really don't. (Your post did make me laugh though.) God, help me.
ReplyDeleteHappy Holidays to you, Ann. :)
I was actually just thinking today of writing post using "straw that broke the camel's back" but had nothing, absolutely nothing to go with it. I think karma was just telling me to head your way for a really great laugh.
ReplyDeleteThose elves would have to be truly magical to fix what breastfeeding has done. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteBecause I don't do yoga, I am requesting your take on Jillian Michael's 30-Day Shred. I'll be waiting.
ReplyDeleteAs long as we're not naked doing the yoga, I'm in.
ReplyDeleteI feel more relaxed already!
ReplyDeleteHi Ann -- I am laughing my ass off while eating peppermint bark. Listen, you may be happy or unhappy to know I nominated you for The Versatile Blogger Award on my blog. As you may know this requires a somewhat Herculean amount of tasks to fulfill, but does also build blogger community betwixt us. Do as you will post holiday. In the meantime know I love your work.
ReplyDeleteHere is the link for your perusal. http://thewomanformerlyknownasbeautiful.com/2011/12/friday-wrap-up-yes-my-pants-wont-button-but-i-was-nominated-for-the-versatile-blogger-award.html
I'm so excited for Braja and her book!
ReplyDeleteHappy holidays to you, too!
XOXO
Anna
now this is MY kind of yoga.
ReplyDeleteI love what you do with language. Makes this used-to-be college English instructor love language even more!
ReplyDeleteI won't be able to think of yoga the same way again. When my yogini says to get into child's pose I will most likely think, "No. This is called the childish pose" and then yoga will be funny and I'll fart and the class will ask me not to ever come back.
ReplyDeleteAgain.
Did this stem from your broken back? Because it must have been good for your brain.
ReplyDelete