Our Father who art in the Anthropologie clearance section, hear my prayer.
Give me strength to know kimono jumpsuit from gaucho clownpant & the wisdom to avoid both.
Lead me not to the flowers giving birth to flowers celebrating with yet more flowers shrug.
Deliver me from “whimsy” dear Lord, and please whisper a cautionary “tablecloth” in turn.
Remind me of the unintentional-dickey debacle of tunic 2008. Guide me from anything resembling a pinafore. This chin needs no decorative lobster bib accent, Dear God. You made my chin. I shouldn't have to tell you.
If a frock calls for a matching bonnet, Lord on High, please give me a sign--like that one time you sent a guy to yell at me to get my Holly Hobby ass out of his parking space. And if I ever use the word “frock” out loud, smite me Almighty, for I know not what I speak.
Release me from ruffles, as they only lead to a pigeon-chested bloomered baby-butt where two breasts once reclined.
Also,
Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow because maybe I'm rocking a soothsayer turban and that is not okay. Don't walk behind me, or I might get too jaunty with a Feline Fedora.
Just walk beside me and be my friend and tell me if this this newsboy makes my head look like a twist cone.
Your kingdom come, your will be done. On earth as it is in heaven—in either case I probably should not wear anything resembling an Obi Wan cape. Lead me not into jester prints. Deliver me from frills-on-hips skirts.
Now I lay me down in a dressing room heap, I pray the lord my dignity to keep. If I die before I wake, I won't be surprised because I can't get out of this wrap sweater coat dress potholder anyway.
Amen.
Somewhere along the line istarted to wonder if the great deals on the clearance ranks really were too good to be true! WHY were those "treasures" still there? Certainly they could be jazzed up, but I am I'll-equipped to perform such magic. I hope you didn't have to wear the sweater dress home!
ReplyDeleteI fear you have made a grave misstep - frock is one of the finer words I know.
ReplyDelete"Blessed are those who repent their mistakes."
My general query (addressed to no one in particular) when looking at catalogs these days is, "Who wears this shit?"
ReplyDeleteDammit you're funny, Ann.
I thought, at first glance the turban was in fact one of those old timey ice bags that people in black and white movies donned when they had a terrific hangover. Which would actually make that monstrosity useful. Oh silly Anthropologie, there's whimsical and then there's what the fuck.
ReplyDeleteI need to keep this in my wallet and pull it out whenever I wander into Anthro.
ReplyDeleteAnthroapology is my favorite store.
ReplyDeleteThis line left me in tears, "I can't get out of this wrap sweater coat dress potholder anyway."
ReplyDeleteThe last time I was in Anthropologie, it was right before BlogHer. I had grand visions of finding the perfect shirt for my favorite jeans. I tried on a top that felt more like a straightjacket once i had it on and I had a mini panic attack as I thrashed about to get it off.
I think I'm still suffering from PTSD from the experience.
dignity?
ReplyDeleteIt's highly overrated.
Oh damn, this is awesome.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, Anthro is losing it.
This. Completes. Me. I think I love you.
ReplyDeleteYes. Love.
ReplyDeleteAmen. (From the woman who owns denim gauchos and after wearing them once and feeling like an idiot, not donating them because I am convinced that they are too hip (?!) and the right occasion will present itself. So far, that has been a "dress like a pirate" party... >sigh<)
ReplyDeleteThe twist cone. . . .still laughing at that one. . ..this is so you. . .so great!
ReplyDeleteAnn. This is perfect. I can't stand it.
ReplyDeletexo
I've been to Anthropologie exactly once. And I fled screaming in terror.
ReplyDeleteBless me father for I have spent my 401K on neo-nautical wear.
ReplyDeleteOH MY Lord in heaven, this was brilliant! I so don't understand Anthropologie and so glad I'm not the only one.
ReplyDeletep.s. I did get you that feline hat for Hanukah. Awkward.
It's the clown pants I can't abide. Honestly, if you're not a 5'11" size two, every pair of pants at Anthropologie looks ridiculous. I will, however, defend the many glorious dresses I've bought from there as well as the odd gorgeous sweater.
ReplyDeletethumbs up.
ReplyDeleteSo awesome. But I must confess, I was wearing a jester print when I read it.
ReplyDeleteNo longer.
...but they're making this stuff for someone, right?
ReplyDeleteP.S. They got my dad's twisty cone thing, he'd fill it with ice. How'd they get a hold of it?
I have tears in my eyes from "wrap sweater coat dress potholder"! But also? I feel so much better after reading this, and all of the comments that go with it. I don't get Anthropologie at all, but I always chalked it up to being hopelessly un-hip. Perhaps the problem is *theirs* and not mine, though, and I share a wider audience of other Anthro-confused women? Also, you didn't mention the ridiculous amount of money they charge for this.....fashion. That's a whole lot of tithe money going to clown pants. Just sayin'.....
ReplyDeleteWell shit, now I have to return my hat.
ReplyDeleteI think they only make that stuff for 6'1" bohemian girls that live in Hollywood. Looks cute in the catalog but on the rest of us it just looks like we raided our mother's hope chest full of ill-advised 60's home ec project rejects.
ReplyDeleteThat Feline Fedora scares me to the core.
ReplyDeletelooooooooooove. so much.
ReplyDeleteI've never stepped into Anthro. NEVER. There would be so much weeping and gnashing of teeth I'm sure the salespeople would toss me out. Amen.
ReplyDeleteThis? Is fucking brilliant.
ReplyDeleteI thought the first line was the best. And then I got to the second. And the third.
ReplyDeleteOne of your laugh-out-loud pieces, Ann.
I always leave Anthropologie feeling like a fat Laura Ingalls with a starring role in Barnum & Bailey.
This is pure awesomeness.
ReplyDeleteThis is awesome.
ReplyDeleteFor every supercute Anthropologie top, there is an equal and opposite superweird one.
ReplyDeleteHoly Genius. Or is it Un-holy Genius? Either way, I love this post so much I can hardy stand it.
ReplyDeleteAnd that kitty hat will visit me in my dreams, er, nightmares tonight.
-xo
-Ellie
I just read this again because work is VERY busy this morning...
ReplyDeleteand this is my all time favorite Ann's Rants line:
Now I lay me down in a dressing room heap, I pray the lord my dignity to keep. If I die before I wake, I won't be surprised because I can't get out of this wrap sweater coat dress potholder anyway.
Amen.
I like clown pants...
ReplyDeleteOh, man, I wish I'd written this.
ReplyDelete*snort*
XO
a.
I hear you. Everything at Anthropologie looks better on the displays than it does on me.
ReplyDeleteYou should send this to the store's buyers so they know the torture they put us through :-)
xo jj
LOL! This made me LAUGH. I like Anthro... I can always find a few tops to wear, maybe some nice dresses. :)
ReplyDeleteI need all those hats. To wear simultaneously.
ReplyDeleteThis is so funny. Someone actually called you Holly Hobby? I don't think I've been to Anthropolgie unless it existed in NYC in the 90's. Considering my naturally bad taste in clothing I definitely need to steer clear.
ReplyDeleteHysterical! I have been in Anthropologie many times, but have only ever purchased home-ware items!
ReplyDeleteOy vey! That was one of your best yet Ann. It caused me to do my "supressed laughter" move where I have to choke on my laugh since I am in the cubicle world. My favorite line was "Lord on High, please give me a sign--like that one time you sent a guy to yell at me to get my Holly Hobby ass out of his parking space."
ReplyDeleteHaha!! This was good! I am laughing at your "Holly Hobby" ass. A lot. Hahaha!! I'm only laughing b/c I looked just like Holly Hobby back in the day & had a Holly Hobby bedroom.
ReplyDeleteAfter buying far too much stuff from Anthro's clearance area and NEVER wearing it I realized I have to stay away. It's easier said than done.
ReplyDeleteI nominated you for an award. Go check it out, if you like. http://www.seekingelevation.com/2011/09/awards-show.html
ReplyDeleteDeliver me from “whimsy” dear Lord, and please whisper a cautionary “tablecloth” in turn.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE THIS LINE. But the rest are so good too.
I want to toast you. With little mismatched vintage teacups that have an S on it. Because they were out of A. But I needed that shit anyway.
This is fantastic. I'll now say three Hail GAPs for peeing my pants.
ReplyDeleteYou had me at dickey. I think I've been on your blog for an hour now, you are hilarious. This post is my favorite of the fifty I have just read so I will comment here. Thanks for being my Friday night entertainment.
ReplyDeleteYes, yes, YES.
ReplyDeleteOn my last walk through Anthropologie I forced myself to put back everything I picked up. I am too old for whimsical. I have officially outgrown Anthropologie. It is for the post-pubescent and skinny.