By THE HIGH SCHOOL COLUMNIST. WORD UP.
Dear Craig,
How are you? How is school? HA HA HA. BORING. DUH. No shit Sherlock!!!
Here is a mix tape I made for you!
1. Think of Me from Phantom of The Opera Sung by me, your favorite singer ever except for Lyndee. HA!
2. Saving all my love for you by Whitney Houston. Remember when I sang that at the camp talent show and Karen said I have the talent go professional? Have I even told you that she said that? So why did everyone cheer and go “Oh Lyndee OH OH LYNDEE you are so talented” when she sang On My Own for the millionth time? Craig why do you always ask her to sing that? She’s good but she is not that good. I don’t mean to be mean because I’m not a mean person, but I’m just being honest about the facts. Literally she is not all that great of a singer. Just because you sound good at singing doesn't mean you are good at singing. I don't mean to be mean but she is not singing from her diaphragm.
3. Straight up now tell me by Paula Abdul. Straight up now tell me is it going to be you and me forever? (Just kidding. that is part of the song)
4. I miss you by the Jets. That TOTALLY reminds me of camp. Oh MY God that is practically our song. Don't you think so? Just kidding! NOT.
5. Dump Marni Already because you don’t even love her anyway and that is mean to her and to real love. That is not a song on this tape, but you should. You are too young to have a long distance relationship.
6. I get lost in your gorgeous green eyes by Debbie Gibson. HA HA TOTALLY KIDDING about the gorgeous green part. KIND OF. Tee Hee. PSYCH!
7. Give Me That Sweetness Taboo by Sade. What do you call that song again? My sister says it is pronounced sharday and not sade. That’s why I’m still lovin’ you…(Not YOU you but just in the song. So obvious but still.)
8. Wishing well by Terrance Trent D’arby.
That is all I got done because my friend Jessica needed her double tape-deck back to choreograph a routine to En Vogue. So just stop it here otherwise you will hear a bunch of my vocal exercises from my voice lessons. I could not erase that part because you can’t record nothing on Jessica’s boom box, and my Mom can’t take me to get new tapes this week. Promise me you’ll shut it off after Wishing Well, okay?
Also, here is a picture of us from camp the day you told me you really like me but you just can’t break up with Marni yet. Don’t we look like the perfect couple? Oh MY God I’m totally kidding of course. But why go with someone if you are never going to even see them and you supposedly don't even like them and she doesn't make out?
Also, please make me a mix tape. Don’t just put songs on, think of songs that mean something. That is how a mix tape is supposed to be. So think about your best friend and then pick songs that remind you of me.
Love your BEST friend Ann who totally gets you in ways I sincerely doubt anyone else does. I sincerely doubt it, Craig. Straight up now tell me! TELL ME. Hahahahahahaha.
From,
Me.
Monday, May 16, 2011
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Thank God you didn't have to add End of the Road by Boyz II Men. This can't be the end of the road with Craig. Stupid Marni.
ReplyDeleteWhat, no Air Supply? Must pull out heavy artillery to defeat Marni.
ReplyDeleteOh, how I've missed love-struck, middle-school Ann. She never fails to incorporate the latest trendy expressions into her lexicon, and for that, I adore her. (No shit Sherlock!)
ReplyDeleteI feel validated in never attending a high school reunion so long as the High School Columnist remains.
ReplyDeleteDouble points for Debbie Gibson on a mix tape. Spritz some Electric Youth on that tape.
3. Straight up now tell me by Paula Abdul. Straight up now tell me is it going to be you and me forever? (Just kidding. that is part of the song)
(Hahaha, that one killed me.)
Literally she is not all that great of a singer. Just because you sound good at singing doesn't mean you are good at singing. I don't mean to be mean but she is not singing from her diaphragm.
ReplyDeleteCannot. Stop. Laughing. Literally.
Ann, he's never going to leave Marni because you didn't put any OMD (Orchestral Maneuvers in the Dark) on your mix tape. You dumb wad. Totally screw it up.
ReplyDeleteWait! Make him another one. Guys love mix tapes. Totally.
p.s. you didn't reply to my birthday party. We're going to the Wheel Thing. It's going to be major.
I CANNOT believe you mentioned "On My Own". (performed that senior year in high school talent show) I am laughing while simultaneously feeling the urge to run and hide.
ReplyDeleteUm, can I get a copy of that mix? No, seriously.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was at Girls State, three different girls sang "On My Own" in the talent show. I sang "Body Electric" because I'm an original like that.
ReplyDeleteMarni is such a loser. Her hair doesn't feather properly and she doesn't even own a pair of knickers. And according to the Preppy Handbook, that is suicide. Why IS he going out with her?
ReplyDeleteI love you. I'm SO digging out the tape of "musical collages" I made in middle and high school which feature En Vogue -- heavily. Also, you need to hear the rap I recorded on my boombox using my Yamaha keyboard and my Brooklyn accent.
ReplyDelete"Just because you sound good at singing doesn't mean you are good at singing." Yes.
ReplyDeleteAnd have I told you that I get breathless whenever I see it's a post from the middle school/high school columnist? Because I know I'm in for the best thing ever. Psych.
You'll know he was totally worth it if you get a tape back with the Bangles unforgettably heartbreaking "Eternal Flame." Then you will have to use said ballad as the soundtrack to him taking your virginity in the back of his older brother's van. Susanna Hoffs's high, sweet voice and the moving music will help you block out the smell of old pot, old puke, stale beer, and distract you from thoughts of: Oh my god. THIS is what everyone was making such a big deal about?
ReplyDeleteDude, I would totally leave a note in your Betty & Veronica lunch box.
ReplyDeleteXO
A.
Ha!!! But seriously, I would so listen that mix right now.
ReplyDeleteCraig went on to found Craig's List didn't he? No wonder you were so in love.
ReplyDeleteHoly crap, I'd pretty much forgotten about mix tapes! Or I think I TRIED to forget them.
ReplyDeleteI suppose it's not the same now, with iPods and all that. But if I dig in my high school box, I'm pretty sure there's a mix tape in there that my boyfriend (now hubs) made for me. It's probably radical.
Middle-School-Ann is my co-pilot.
ReplyDeleteAnd Forever My Girl.
(See what I did there? Yeah!)
Cringing and laughing for you and with you!
ReplyDeleteReminds me of lip synching to the Go-Go's into my curling iron at the 4-H camp "talent" show.
So obvious, but still. Love it.
ReplyDeleteThe Jets? Really? Damn! (Just spit coffee all over my kitchen table!)
ReplyDeleteLet's see, I will add a few from the inner-city Los Angeles version of this mix tape:
1. "I need love" by LL Cool J
2. "Walk this way" by Run DMC
3. "I'm on my own" The Doobie Brothers dude and Pattie Labelle
4. "Secret Lovers" by Atlantic Starr
5. "Do you wanna ride in my Mercedes, boy?" by Pebbles
Wow. This is hilarious. Agree with Lisa that middle-school Ann rules.
Am laughing so hard I'm snorting.
ReplyDeleteThis is my favorite high school columnist yet. In fact, I sincerely doubt anyone else gets you the way I get you, Ann, and I say this is definitely your best work EVER.
ReplyDeleteOh, Grade School Columnist, why does Craig not appreciate you?
ReplyDeleteI don't mean to be mean because I'm not a mean person - man, that brings IT ALL back.
From the diaphragm, that rocked.
"I don't mean to be mean but she is not singing from her diaphragm."
ReplyDeleteOUCH! I'm totally using that one.
Craig will always pick Marni as his girlfriend. Just like we always had that really good guy friend - who was "just a friend." Wasn't that as song? "Oh baby you...got what I neeeed." Put that on the mix tape.
Recently confirmed that I'm going to BlogHer. And I've decided that if my name doesn't get pulled out of the hat at LTYM, I will stand up and read as people are leaving. Like ending credits or something. At any rate, my roommates will have to stay put and listen since I will collect all room keys beforehand.
How in the heck do you do that? Are you just digging through your old never-sent letters or something? I'm amazed. You have a real gift for channeling your younger self, or A younger self.
ReplyDeleteLove it!
Cheers,
Casey
Ahh mixed tapes... Those were the days :-)
ReplyDeleteI love this series, you always crack me up. And the closing paragraph is awesome.
More please, xo jj
I'm lovin' Amy's comment, and wishing the three of us were sitting at a bar in Wisconsin discussing this. WTF?????
ReplyDeleteSheesh.
Soon, girls. SOON.
There is too much preciousness in your school posts. You could write a middle school novel except they might not get all the eighties talk.
ReplyDelete