Monday Morning Flow Chart

Successful Monday	OR	Shame Spiral
6:20 Respond to awake child.		6:20 Cover head with pillow and spew “TEEE VEEE. GEHHHT OUUUUT”
6:30 Put on pants and engage in proper washing, brushing, deodorizing and scare-reduction/concealing efforts		Z
6:40 Make 1st of 5 cups of DECAF. DO NOT TURN ON COMPUTER.		Z
6:50 Stir porridge whilst listening to child laying Lego weapons down, declaring peace for all Lego eternity. DO NOT TURN ON COMPUTER, instead sing 60’s anti war ballad “Last night I had the strangest dream.” Child hums, sways, nods knowingly.		Z Z Z Z Z Z
7:00 Receive toussle-headed second child. He hath risen, too!		Z
7:10 Scat cheery ‘come to breakfast my children’ as children snap along to the table. Husband appears, dressed and rested. And snapping, of course.		Z Z Z Z
7:15 Meditate with slight smile as children nourish, for life is good and peaceful and organized and superior.		Z Z Z
7:25 Eat one half of one banana sliced into oatmeal with only one scant teaspoon of brown sugar. Taste the food. Celebrate your mindfulosity!		Z Z Z Z
7:30 Offer children silent reading or read aloud. NEVER TURN ON YOUR COMPUTER. RESIST THE COMPUTER		Z Z Z
7:45 Insert leather bookmark into Iphegenia in Aulis and Taurus, and march family toward teeth brushing with one rousing greek chorus.		Z Z Z Z
7:50 Children dress themselves. Children straighten their rooms. Children engage in gentle stretching		BOI-YOI-YOIIINNNG!!! 7:55 Pokemon Team Rocket stuns you awake. Shake Husband commanding “YOU MUST HELP ME FOR THE LOVE OF GOD”
8:00 Of their own volition, Children begin snow-clothing encasement. Husband makes it a game. Such fun, such merriment!		8:00 Run out to kitchen wearing tshirt and underwear yelling “BREAKFAST NOW OR GO TO YOUR ROOM. TEETH BRUSH NOW OR GO TO YOUR ROOM. OUT OF BED OR GO TO YOUR ROOM”
8:10 Leave the house. We are early. We are smiling. Kiss meaningful kisses goodbye. We can afford to dawdle and discuss last month’s translation of Medea.		8:10 Chug 16 ounces of Husband’s yester-coffee. Slam peanut butter on to Jelly. Slam hummus into snack-sized receptacle. PANIC OVER IMPROPER GREEN VEGETABLE SERVINGS. Throw lunch meat at children, and squawk ‘BREAKFAST’ in response to their dazed lunch-meat-on-forehead response.
8:16 Greet our friends on the playground with hugs and high-fives. Children respond with complete sentences to “How was your weekend?” Everyone dahoodoreys in a circle until the bell rings. Goodbye my son, enjoy your individualized learning!		8:16 PANTS. PANTS FOR EVERYONE! WHERE ARE MY GODDAMNED PANTS? Cover face with sunglasses/ugly shield ("Goddamned Pants! Goddamned Pants!")
		8:20 2 or 3 people must crap. If you are not one of them, pace out side the door. ARE YOU READY ARE YOU DONE ARE YOU READY ARE YOU DONE. ARE YOU READY--wait--Hmm...ample time for email.
		8:30 The 1st bell has happened. So has the 2nd. You are three degrees away from your email, sobbing at the beauty of an Allelujah shopping mall flash mob video, while your children help themselves to popsicles. SHHHHHHHHHHHIiiite. HURRY. HURRY HURRY. Toss children in car. Drive two blocks. Park car. Six asks “Are we early? Where is everyone?” Knock on locked door. The last kindergartner in humanity manages to open the door. Kiss in the direction of your child as he scuttles to first grade. Three asks “Why are we late, Mommy?” HANG YOUR HEAD IN SHAME and to cover your morning breath. VOW TO DO BETTER and run home to check email.

There’s still time to enter my Lynda Barry/Hidalgo Chickens giveaway! I will announce the winner Friday. Thank you so much for all your hysterical preteen angsty wishes!