I really do not ever want to speak at The Optimist Club

by The Grade School Columnist!

I was watching Donahue the man I will probably marry. Dan was screaming ANN ANN ANN PHONE PHONE PHONE and beeping the intercom. Because Dad says we are not supposed to yell PHONE PHONE PHONE, we are supposed to beep the intercom.

It was Mr. Truckalew. He said “Hello, May I Please speak with Ann” and I didn’t know what to say because why is an adult on the phone asking for Ann.

Mr. Truckalew is a man who wears braces. He is a guidance counselor at school who came to Home Ec to teach Sugar Cookies. It was a slide show, but it wasn’t a foods lab and that sucks because on foods lab days we get to eat those cornflake balls you do not even have to cook. Mr. Truckalew went on and on about not getting cracks in your sugar cookies. What the hell.

I was watching The Gorgeous Donahue when Mr. Truckalew called me on the phone to invite me to write a speech and speak it at The Optimist Club. A grown up club. What. I definitely do not want to go give a speech at the Optimist Club. I felt like a total dork even talking about it. He was acting like I should be so happy to go talk to The Optimists Club. I could hear his braces.

I said I didn’t think I really wanted to do it. Maybe I said I would and never told my parents and never showed up. I did that before. Now I will talk to you about that other time.

Like at Doug Pinsky’s Bar Mitzvah. He goes to Cherokee Middle School and I go to Van Hise Middle School and his Bar Mitzvah was at the country club and was a dance and nobody I know was going except Doug and those Sunday School kids. I sincerely doubt the Sunday School kids are cool. I sincerely doubt it.

I was at Bini’s house. Bini and Bridgette are 8th graders and last week they decided to turn me popular. I don’t really think they are even popular, but they said they have the power to turn people popular. I can't wait. Bini has green eyes and she said no one in India has green eyes and if you do than you are a princess. Her house stinks, but I try to act like it smells normal. She gave me her Benetton jeans with patches all over them. They are radical to the maximus.

I was over playing at Bini’s house and I was supposed to go to Doug’s Bar Mitzvah party but I didn’t know if my outfit was cool or uncool and I didn’t have a ride. I didn’t go. My outfit was from The Limited. I don't know what is cool at Cherokee.

At the high school on Monday Mrs. Pinsky asked Dan why I didn’t show up. She asked if I was sick, but asked in a way like she knew I wasn’t sick. She said it was a very expensive dinner to waste.

So there are these adults I kind of know but how am I’m supposed to know what to do.

Doug is cute but I need to figure out if he is a nerd or cool so I know if I can like him.

I can't wait to turn popular. I really do not ever want to speak at the optimist club.