Signs you were a waitress...

Upon doling out the last fish stick you yell “86 the fingers!” and wink to the imaginary line cook that hangs out with you on Formican Island You are his favorite waitress and he loves your sense of humor.

Sometimes you silverware roll for fun. Often it is highly competitive.

Instead of “excuse me” you yell “BEHIND YOU” during your double-coupon-day grocery cart slalom. You know you have complete control of the vehicle, but neither your steering nor your break/lurch/smoked-turkey projectile skills instill confidence in your startled co-shoppers.

When your husband asks where your children are, you refer to them as the “two-top that totally just dined-and-ditched”

You know the aesthetic value of curly endive, and how it differentiates “Cheerios” from “Brunch”

On the way down to the basement to change the laundry you:
pack a lunch
grab 2 plastic bags
retrieve an errant pullup
deposit renegade pullup in bag 1
stick bag 2 in your pocket
put the lunch in the back pack
put the backpack on the boy
throw bag1 in the trash
walk the boy to school
readjust your hightop Reeboks and support hose
return home and go directly to the basement
use the bag 2 for scooping the cat litter
and ONLY THEN change the laundry. ALL IN ONE TRIP.
Then you mourn how much more efficient that trip would’ve been if you’d started a new pot of coffee before packing the lunch.

Sometimes you cocktail napkin spiral for fun. Often it is highly competitive.

You bring your own corckscrew to dinner parties and remark about the “jammy fruit” and “chickory” notes of the $5 screwtop wine you are manually drilling through.

Upon experiencing culinary intimidation, you throw out words like aioli, ramekin, frisse, and beurre blanc in rapid succession. Why yes, I too adore preparing organic raw slow food for my family. My specialty is an aioli ramekin frisse beurre blanc!

Instead of wearing your baby or pushing a stroller through the throngs at the farmers market, you balance your child on one flat palm and yell “COMIN' THROUGH!”

When having a housework tantrum, you throw out subversive lingo like “set-ups” “sidework” and “GARNISH!”

Sometimes you carpet sweeper for fun. Often it is highly competitive.

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Thank you, Mouthy Housewives for giving me your much-coveted seal of approval for my Hair Memoirs. I want you to know that I share this award with Rudy Huxtibles everywhere.





Thank you also to Cheryl at Deckside Thoughts for The Sunshine Award.

And to Maggie and Becky for the amazing LTYM shout outs. I know there are people I am forgetting to thank, but my brain just invited Maggie to see David Sedaris with me on Tuesday April 13th...Last Tuesday. Meaning, I have no business posting right now.