Monday, March 1, 2010

Observations By A More Popular 5th Grader:

You wear that “Real People” t-shirt practically every single day.

When we sing Billy Joel that doesn’t mean you can sing too. Just because we “whoa-oh-oh-oh” does not mean you can add “for the longest” in that dumb low voice when you are not even invited. Jessica said you always start to sing when other people start singing.

Katy’s moves are way too ballet.

Just because you got to go to The Big Apple doesn’t mean your chartreuse skinny tie, belt, slinky bracelet, and dangelies are cool. You said you were going to New York.

You are totally developing.

Shtop begging fer my Gian Schewy Shweet Tarts. (sllsllslllsllsll) Get yer own Gian Schewy Shweet Tarts.

Jessica said she was so scared when she ate spaghetti at your house that you were going to throw up all over. Remember when you puked spaghetti at my house and my brother said he heard you?

Stop asking Lars to go with you. He said his mom said he can’t go with anyone until he is 15.

Jason is in love with you. His brother wants to know why you are playing with his mind.

Why do you have that hair all over your arms?

Do you want to come to gymnastics with me again? You can sit and watch. We will crack up when Fran makes that spaz-face before she does her round off back handspring back handspring.

Don’t you totally think Miss Hammer puts Snoopy And The Red Baron on the weekly top ten herself? No one else votes for that gaywad song.

You are my third-best friend. Actually, you are my-fourth best friend.

Do you want to play swim team?

***

p.s. Go read my fabulously funny friend Anna Lefler's "How To Put On a Sports Bra" over at McSweeneys. Anna of Life Just Keeps Getting Weirder was my first bloggy idol, and I now refer to the best and quirkiest humor as "Leflerian" in certain circles. Ok, so in the one specific circle that is my cerebral cortex, but it's an homage non the less. Doesn't "homage" seem like a good description for those lines cartoonist draw to indicate a bad smell emanating from a dirty sock?

Have a great week!
Posted by Ann Imig
at 8:00 AM
Labels: ,

35 comments:

  1. You are my third-best friend...LOL! Funny!
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  2. After reading this, I'm having post-traumatic 5th grade arm hair stress. And I didn't even know that was a thing. But oh, it really, really is.

    God bless you and the "Real People" t-shirt you rode in on.
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  3. I love 'why do you have that hair all over your arms?' I remember in 6th grad, Robbie L. my boyfriend got back from Florida and wanted to compare tans, and I wouldn't put my arm next to his because I didn't want him to look at my arm hair. (LOL!!! Your posts always get me laughing out loud in public.)

    And totally third best friends. How do you remember this shit?

    Love you, woman.

    -elizabeth
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  4. Ann, this is the best!! I am laugh-crying and wishing I had a son instead of a daughter-LOL
    That arm comment is the reason I still bleach my arm hair to this day! Was it the curse of all pale skinned brunettes?? You never fail to make me laugh and brighten my day:)
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  5. Omg you kill me it's all too real!
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  6. [shudder]

    This is my world right now...or I should say the world of my 5th-grade daughter.

    Which is why she takes kickboxing.

    That's right. I said it.

    THANK YOU for the amazing shout-out! You honor me. High praise, indeed, coming from you!

    XOXO

    A.
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  7. i was always very well liked by the popular kids. but in more of a "pet" sort of way, than friend.
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  8. I'm stunned that the word 'spaz' made it out alive to the next century.

    NOTHING EVER CHANGES.
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  9. I have a mind like a steel trap, so I'm sitting here in a coffee shop trying not to embarrass myself with the loud laughing.

    I'm still friends with my besties from 5th grade. We joke about trading best friends all the time. We used to have secret meetings in the bathroom, which was not terribly private in a SCHOOL, but we thought we were very smart.

    "I'm tired of being Paula's best friend, I have to ride my bike too far to her house...wanna be my new best friend?"
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  10. OMG. Hysterical! Found your blog through Heather of the EO - LOVE IT! Will you be my fourth best friend? :)
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  11. I am also traumatized my arm hair memories from 5th grade. And by memories of being a total bitch to girls in the bathroom.... 5th grade was UGLY!
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  12. Is there anything worse than developing?

    "Wow- you're taller than every boy in the class!" Heard that every year until high school.

    Oh, and I had arm hair, leg hair, and a moustache. When my mom FINALLY bought me my first Jolene Creme Bleach kit in sixth grade, my friend Todd exclaimed the next day at school, "You shaved!"

    Such a feminine little wisp of a thing I've always been.....
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  13. Yep I was in the arm hair club.
    Arrrghghgh!
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  14. I can only imagine what life will be like when my daughter gets to be slightly older. She and her friends are already talking about boys, jewelry and cellphones.
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  15. I love the subtle inclusion of "going with." That must have been the nation-wide term used for dating then - we said it too. I can't remember when it changed, but I'm pretty sure I thought it sounded lame when I was in high school... Then we definitely said "going out with." I wonder what the kids say these days. Probably something like "having sex with." If the low rise jeans and tramp stamps are any indication...
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  16. Whistlin'....

    Well yeah especially after the I found out I'm possibly your third bloggy idol....
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  17. (you'll notice i left room there for Amy...:)
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  18. you were always so much more popular than me. Sadly, that isn't saying much :(
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  19. I remember those times of my bangs never being big enough or having to share my giant oreo cookie. Sigh, good times. I think.
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  20. Totally scary, yet so very very true...
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  21. I was the biggest fan of Real People EVER and would have DIED for a t-shirt. TELL ME you still have it. Don't let me down.
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  22. Thank you for this homage to my name.
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  23. Sadly I was that girl. The mean one. And then I failed the friend test and had no friends.

    Little girls are SO wonderful! (thank god we have boys!)
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  25. I'll be your third best friend.
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  26. Oh my god. I'm so glad I'm not in 5th grade.
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  27. I'm scared. We, yes we, are only in first grade and already there are conversations like this. I was asked tonight if maybe her hair might turn brunette or blond. Sorry, no dice. Look forward to arm hair but at least it won't show so badly.

    Over the weekend the neighbor girl taught my first grader how to dance on a stripper pole. I'm so scared.
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  28. Ok, this post sent right back into therapy. Thank you.
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  29. Ohhhhh...that is funny! Is Lars...like THE Lars? I had a crush on a certain adorable Lars! Lol!

    My tactic was the call...hang up to shy to say anything. Call back...hang up. Ahhh life without caller ID was so wonderful.

    And yes...very happy my main squeeze is home again! Huge sigh of relief there! :)

    Hugs and Smoochies!
    Mel
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  30. So, I hated 5th grade and now I remember why! Oooh, the memories!
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  31. Your label is soo true, kids are mean and funny. They have no empathy at all when it comes to hurting others feelings.
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  32. "You are totally developing." Ha!
    It's time like these that I'm glad I'm old. I would never survive school in this day and age :-)
    xo
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  33. "Why do you have hair all over your arms?"

    Ha - when my mom was a kid her sister tried shave her arms because she said she was hairy like a gorilla.

    When we got fortune cookies some 35 years later it said "You are hairy like a gorilla." Everyone else's cookie was normal. I still laugh about it.
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  34. Holy shit. That is awesome Ann. How in the hell do you get back into the brain of a popular fifth grader? I have no brain left for those kind of memories. That's why I have to come read you. I love this one. I really really do.

    Way to work it sister.
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  35. I have extremely hairy arms, hairier even than many men. Yes, it's gross. I know, and I've accepted this fact. At least it's blonde.

    I had a friend who had hairy BLACK arm hairs, and she'd burn them off with a match. Yeah.
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