Monday, November 2, 2009

Interview With Myself #3: 16-year-old Retail Clerk

Dee: So, why do you want to work at RazzMaTazz?

Me: I think long fingernails look awesome when performing phone answering and cash register duties. I can’t decide if that one guy across the hall is cute or a total nerd. I’m hoping you’ll ask me to model for the ads in the local paper. I’m sure you will, and that it’s only a matter of time. Why don’t you ever ask me? I’m just as pretty as Donna. Don’t you think I’m pretty? On a scale of 1-10 how pretty am I? I’m so ugly.

Dee: Do you shop at RazzMaTazz?

Me: Ummm…one size fits all fabric painted plastic t-shirt clipped outfits? Nuh Doy, I wear only off-season/last year’s/irregular Ralph Lauren via TJ Maxx. Some of the Sarah Arizona sweaters are okay. I like that black cotton miniskirt, but I won’t understand why it looks different on me. See, I have a butt, and none of my friends do but I haven't made that connection yet. Which is strange if you consider how many hours I spend obsessing over my appearance—especially the neatness of my French braid. Can you hold this bobby pin? I just want to give it one more try. I mean it looks okay from the back, but from the front I have a cone-head. Hey wait, will you just do it for me? Can you do a fishbone?

Dee: Let me show you how to work the steamer.

Me: Okay.

Dee: Why don’t you finish your fun dip first.

Me: Okay. I'm really enjoying my handwriting on this practice receipt. Don't I have great hand writing? I totally have my own style. People tell me that all the time. Wait. I'm going to do that again. Lately I've been crossing my zeros and sevens. I'm really in to that right now.

Dee: You seem very enterprising. When you are in college I plan to call you out of the blue to offer you a “business opportunity.” You will feel flattered that I remembered you after all these years, and agree to come with my husband and I to a meeting about this “fantastic business opportunity”

Me: Meaning you abduct me and take me to a conference room at the Radisson Inn on the edge of town, where you and all your fellow AmWay converts listen to the highly successful speaker and pass envelopes for money for this Very Special Opportunity.

Dee: But you are smart enough to get out of our LaSabre quickly and without committing yourself to anything but “considering our very special opportunity!”

Me: That will Freak. Me. Totally. Out.

Dee: It’s going to be a pleasure working together.

Me: Do you have any gum?
Posted by Ann Imig
at 12:01 AM
Labels:

28 comments:

  1. I love these. You interviewed for a lot of jobs...I wonder why? ;-)
    ReplyDelete
  3. Three people have made millions of dollars from Amway. They just happen to all be dead.
    ReplyDelete
  5. My first job, 16, Footquarters. I remember catching my boss nearly collapsing on the floor while staring at my legs. I pretended not to notice and he turned out to actually be a pretty nice guy. Not a creap at all.
    ReplyDelete
  6. The assistant manager though... yea. Total creep.
    ReplyDelete
  7. You DO have great handwriting! Looks just like mine.
    ReplyDelete
  8. HA!

    I never had hair long enough as a teen to have a French braid. I feel deprived. I developed a butt at a young age too. Ten, I believe. I remember having a conversation with my mom about it. She said that men like to have something to hold onto. No, you did not misread that. I was ten.
    ReplyDelete
  9. We would have been best friends! We would have gone to the mall to hang out! We would have daydreamed about being wives and mothers! I would have been secretly so envious of your perfect French Braid!
    ReplyDelete
  10. You should have come down to work at Luca Pizza with me. Hippest fast food in the mall. There was a girl there who let me wear her wedding rings and pretend I was engaged. And I only burnt the shit out of my wrists on the pizza oven four or five times. A month.

    You are so funny Ann!
    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh, and have you seen the movie "Go?" There's a very funny Amway come-on scene. Horrifying.
    ReplyDelete
  12. So many employment opportunities, so little time!
    ReplyDelete
  13. LMAO! 16-year-old Ann is adorable. I remember getting fired from a Dairy Queen at that age because I could never make that damn little curly Q thing on the top of the cone.
    ReplyDelete
  14. Love your interviews!I can hear you smacking the gum now!
    ReplyDelete
  16. It is VERY hard to get that perfect braid. Especially while trying to perfectly pin your pants.
    ReplyDelete
  18. You DID have beautiful french braids. And I never realized until your blog that you were just as neurotic and unsure as us less-cool kids--so thanks for that!
    xo
    ReplyDelete
  20. Wow ... I think we might have been twins at age 16???
    ReplyDelete
  21. Interview with my 16 year old self:

    Me: "Dude..why didn't you wear a condom with Becky?"

    Me @ 16: "Um..."

    Kid was an idiot.
    ReplyDelete
  22. I love these interviews.

    and for the record, I really hope "Mooooooog35" isn't talking about this Becky. But if you are, CALL ME!
    ReplyDelete
  23. I'm laughin' at Any Mommy's comment....:))))
    ReplyDelete
  24. So funny! Cone head LOL!
    I interviewed for and had many many jobs too. Some I only lasted half day at. "Bye, I'm off to luch...
    ReplyDelete
  25. oops, I meant I lunch not luch.
    ReplyDelete
  26. So, I wasn't the only girl out there that couldn't figure out why mini skirts didn't work with a big butt.
    ReplyDelete
  27. You soooo have the voice, Ann. I fully expect to hear gum cracking. Just Joany

    http://redwagonflights.blogspot.com
    ReplyDelete
  28. i still have a secret affinity for typing with long nails. or using a calculator with long nails.

    but i have short nails.

    once my mom bought me lee press-ons and i wore them to school and only lost ONE!
    ReplyDelete

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)