* Note: A sciatican is an inhabitant of the land of sciatica; a land where a vibrant young woman can resemble an off-his-game Quasimodo
Dance Resume
High School: Ballet, Jazz
College: “Experience” with Ballet, Jazz, Tap
Professional: Moves Well
Mother: Moves sufficiently for 5 o’clock Living Room Putamayo Kids dance party
Sciatic-an: Considering a walker (WITH TENNIS BALLS, WOOT!)
Shoe Fashion
High School: Deck Shoes
College: Doc Martin boots (one size too big, and two huge square toes from cool)
Professional: Heels from Parade of Cheap Ugly Shoes
Mother: Bare dirty feet (gross, true)
Sciatic-an: Danish-named, orthotic-enhanced hooves.
Flexibility
Five Years Old: Couldn’t touch toes
College: 18 years old, couldn’t dance or touch toes but performed brilliantly in A Chorus Line with a bunch of other non-dancers. It’s a show about dancing.
Professional: Gym Yoga delivered me to one big toe
Mother: Clipping Toenails possible post Bikram Yoga
Sciatic-an: Pedipaws and a pole required
Aspirations
High School: BroadWAY!
College: Regional Theater
Professional: Have a baby and get the hell out.
Mother: Income
Sciatic-an: Dress self
Motto!
High School: “I want a boyfriend”
College: “Why do I still have this boyfriend?”
Professional: “Marriage: My Bed is Warm”
Mother: “Get these people out of my bed”
Sciatic-an: “I can still twitter with bedsores!”
Don’t worry people it’s not that bad. Okay it’s kinda bad. And I did not get vicodin. But don’t panic. We are not at a level Pay Pal.
xoxo
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Wow you can touch your toes! Jealous...
ReplyDeleteLevel PayPal? Been there, done that...
ReplyDelete:)))
Aging is fun, isn't it.
ReplyDeletelisten, the whole damn point is to get vicodin! why have pain, if you aren't going to exploit it for drugs? now, c'mon, you can do better... do not suffer valiantly (and humorously, i might add)... you're giving the rest of us a bad name.
ReplyDeleteOuch. I've sciatic problems, and it's awful. My only cure was to sit on an ice pack.
ReplyDeleteLevel PayPal. LOL.
ReplyDeleteHow quickly our hopes and dreams are shattered! I, too, am a sciatican, so I can feel your pain... literally. Nothing that a trip to the chiropractor and mass quantities of Vicodin can't take care of.
ReplyDeleteI had sciatica while pregnant, which makes for a pretty picture. I'm much better now, thank you, but would not want it again.
ReplyDeletePearl
Sorry you are in pain! I too had sciatica while I was pregnant and OMG it was terrible! I'd be walking around just fine and then DOH! to the ground I went. Fun stuff. Hang in there! And yeah, get those people OUT OF YOUR BED!
ReplyDeleteI'm going out for coffee then coming back hhhome to read thhhhis again. My H is stuck. Fuck.
ReplyDeleteI so needed this today. Like in a major way. Thanks for the laughs. Totally at your expense.
ReplyDeleteSciatica is one thing I DON'T have. Oy. Hang in there.
ReplyDeletexo
Uncrowd the bed time?
ReplyDeleteSecretia
I had that once. It came on as I was to embark on a 6-hour drive to San Francisco and settled nicely into my left leg. I just remember having to lift my leg off the gas to step on the brake and then lift it back onto the gas. For... 6... freakin'... hours... I know people who swear by Yoga and stretching classes. I swear by tequila and Vicodin.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry! Once when my husband was on a week long business trip I threw my back out. The twins were still infants and that was the week they learned to sleep through the night. Not so hard to ignore "I want attention" screams when you can barely lift your water glass without wincing. It was nothing like sciatica though. I hope you're on the mend soon!
ReplyDeleteI always thought it sounded like a cool thing to have, sciatica. Ooh, sciAAAtica. Doesn't sound so great anymore. I hope you feel better!
ReplyDeleteAhh- sciatica. The lightening bolt in the ass cheek. It makes walking so exciting!
ReplyDeleteI have dreams about touching my toes. Beautiful bendy dreams...
ReplyDeleteSeriously, how do you think this stuff up?! Too funny.
ReplyDeleteMamashugana! You are too fun!
ReplyDeleteouch! i hope you are feeling better. i could relate to "have a baby and get the hell out!"
ReplyDeleteYikes sounds painful. But funny. Not your pain, I mean the post. Very freaking funny. I don't twitter, but that last line really made me laugh! ha! Feel better soon!
ReplyDeleteWalker tennis balls are SO 2006. Lose the balls and bedazzle the bitch. THEN we can talk.
ReplyDeleteI remember laying on the floor moaning for two days once as a result of a not too happy sciatic! Not a good time!
ReplyDeleteI didn't realize the sciatica has driven you to bed! Alleve is my new wonder drug for extended bouts of soreness/pain. I hope you are finding something (besides twitter) to make the pain go away. Poor thing! I'd bring you a big plate of chocolate chip cookies if I were there....
ReplyDeleteI owe you big time on the "nursing sick friends" front.
I'm only going to offer this once: Do you need me to guest post? ;)