Monday, September 28, 2009

Dear Man At The Urinal in Target:

Please forgive the interruption yesterday, when I opened the door abruptly, shouting

IS ANYONE IN HERE?

I did knock first, but a knock-n’-yell is not normal behavior from anybody except for the employee responsible for spritzing the urinal And thankfully this potty doesn't fall under my jurisdiction.

Anyway. I knocked loudly and called out IS ANYONE IN HERE? Because this made sense to me at the time. In hindsight I don't know what response I expected from IS ANYONE IN HERE?

At which point you turned your head to the door and we made eye contact through the hinge.

“Just one person” said 5.5 with his head in the door, seeing what I couldn’t. Likely seeing the very thing I wanted desperately to protect him from—a completely innocent man peeing, but by nature of existing in a men’s room habitat a potential pedophile.

I stood there with the door ajar for quite some time deciding what to do. Do I interfere with his autonomy and right to privacy with mandatory Ladies Room sentencing? Or do I blindly subject him to GodForbidWhat with the Boy Scouts or Kiwanis or Shriners or whatever secret men's room society?

Mister, I realize you don’t give a damn. Sorry, I promised myself I’d keep this brief.

Every man turns into a potential threat in a public restroom. I’ve decided the only way I can protect my son is to convince every male inside the restroom that there is one seriously ass-kickin’ mama waiting outside the door, ready to pounce at the first whiff of trouble (entirely different from the first troubling whiff, mind you).

OKAY I shouted, as you prayed for me to shut the door so you could get over your stage fright and continue your business

OKAY. OKAY. GO! Go BUT I AM RIGHT HERE. I AM STANDING RIGHT OUTSIDE THIS VERY DOOR IF YOU NEED ME. IF I HEAR ANYTHING. OKAY? Okay. FIVEPOINTFIVE ARE YOU OKAY? ARE YOU FINISHED?

“I’m okay” responded a small voice from within the stall.

I breathed deeply and prayed a prayer for brevity (oh please dear lord on high, let him only pee. No poops. No poops. No protracted poops. Just wipe-n-go. One clean wipe if he must. Only if he must Your Holiness)

FIVEPOINTFIVE?!?

I heard flushing. I heard hand-washing. I did not hear time for sufficient soapage, but germs were farther down the list of GodForbids in this particular circumstance.

Okay, Mister. I'll wrap it up. Sorrysorrysorry.

And then, after FivePointFive returned safely to the fold I noticed…

The family restroom. Clean. Available.

Dear, Dear Mister. I too felt awkward as you hurried out the door. And, yes, again, as we crossed paths in Stationery. Do you scrapbook? I’m just curious. I might feel better about this if you scrapbook.

I change my mind. I feel much much more suspicious of scrap-bookers in this situation and in the world in general. Come to think of it.

Anyway Mister, next time we’ll use the Family Restroom.

Onwards and Upwards (or preferably Inwards and Downwards)
Ann

p.s. Marinka's Street Rules inspired this post.
Posted by Ann Imig
at 7:21 PM
Labels: , ,

47 comments:

  1. Oy. I hate, hate, hate letting the boys go in the men's room alone. I still remember the first time I let Sam do it at age 5 1/2 at B&N and I stood outside the door like his bodyguard and stared down every single man who went inside.
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  2. I bet he'll never pee in a public restroom again.
    The stranger.
    Not 5.5.

    Hilarious though!
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  3. Considering the fact that my four year old is terrified of public bathrooms in general (not because of potential pedophiles though - it's strictly visceral), I can't imagine ever getting to the point where I can wait outside the door while he takes care of business.

    I love the idea of evil doing scrapbookers. I think you're onto something.
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  4. My son is 9 and I still escort.
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  5. OMG this is hilarious..LMAO
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  6. I enjoy the fact that you'd feel better about the whole thing if you knew he scrapbooked.

    :-D

    Pearl
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  7. So funny, but I totally get it. My 5 year old wants to use the men's room too. yikes! Funny I wrote a post Dear Woman at a target a couple weeks ago. :)
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  8. Ah, the joys of children and public restrooms. I've had my share of times when I had to insinuate myself into the men's room on account of Vlad.
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  9. I guess I never knew this was an issue, I never heard anyone mention it before. So, why didn't you take him into the ladies room? Is there a generally accepted age limit for this sort of thing? My guess is no, since I was in a public ladies room the other night and in spite of the fact that there were two (TWO! A male and a female) employees right there knowing what was going on, they failed to drag some nasty woman's nasty drunk husband out of the ladies room. I've never peed so fast in my life!
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  10. This is hysterical.
    But hey, a mom's gotta do what a mom's gotta do...
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  11. You are so brave. My 8 yr old fights me every time he has to pee. I make him go in with me, after I promise him no one is in there. I am ascaredy cat

    I loved Marinkas post too
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  12. Do all Targets have family restrooms? Here I've been herding my brood (and my shopping cart) into the ladies' room every time...

    I've got a 5.5, too, who has yet to see the inside of a men's room without his Dad present. I'm not sure what the generally accepted age limit is, either, for boys in the ladies' room, but I'm thinking it has to be 13 or 14. Right?
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  13. I'm glad mine are old enough now I don't have to worry about it anymore. I hated that ...
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  14. I have been there.... and still am every time the kids have to pee at a rest stop or a gas station. Rest-stop restrooms TERRIFY me. I do exactly the same as you--- wait outside and call in every minute for a play by play of what is going on in there.
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  15. Here is the only code he needs to be aware of:

    You go to the furthest urinal from whoever is already there. Most guys, upon finding an open bay of urinals, will go to one of the ends. the next guy to arrive goes to the other end. If there are five of them, the third guy goes to the one in the middle, so there is an open one on either side.
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  16. Rick, you don't need to coach instinct.
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  17. Honestly, this is the number 1 reason that I am thrilled to have girls. I'm not looking forward to them dating or paying for 2 weddings but I'll never have to worry about sending them into the men's room.
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  18. Every man is a potential sexual predator in the same way that every woman is a potential poisoner, except probably to a lesser degree.
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  19. Whenever I've been in a restroom and a small (unattended) boy comes in I think, SHIT! there's a nervous mama-bear just outside the door. I gotta get the hell outta here before she comes in! All the the men in with us must be thinking the same thing because the pace of our activities suddenly speeds up like someone had just flipped a switch on high.
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  20. I love it! Especially the "please no poop"
    My son once went to the bathroom at the Nitty Gritty and didn't tell me it was NUMBER 2. So I waited and waited and thought for sure he was now someone's bitch. He finally came out and I said "YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO TELL ME IF YOU ARE GOING NUMBER 2" years later, he does. i'm so proud.
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  21. I think boys should only be allowed to pee outside in the trees where there are no scary men or at home. Those are the two choices. Just hold it, Mister.

    (I do the same thing)
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  22. Oh, dear. So was it a poop?

    I'm sure that random man is accustomed to being under suspicion, especially if he's a scrapbooker.
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  23. Escuse me while I compose myself. (Bwahahahaha, snort...)

    I have found you through Maggie,Dammit. I don't have sons (3 daughters) but I do volunteer for a non profit who exists to empower children, parents and communities against juvenile sexual assault. Good for you! Good for you doing what you need to do to protect your son. (And then writing about it so expertly and entertaining the masses with adventures in sexual assault prevention.) Good for you!
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  24. There's probably not room here to relay the story of my husband in a restroom in a Chi-Chis. Here is the short version:

    He opted for the stall. Then a small boy entered the restroom and tried to open the door. When that failed, he tried crawling UNDER it. Exterior door opens. It's his mother. "There's a MAAAAN in here," child wails. Mom enters restroom. "Use the urinal." "I can't. It's too tall." Mom picks up child. Husband can see their feet. He is paralyzed. "GO!" says mother. "I can't go!" wails boy. "Just go!" Exterior door opens. It is the little sister . . . "MOM!!!!!!!"

    He still wakes up screaming.
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  25. My kids always come into the ladies. No worries then as I can stand outside the private cubicle and guard... Although, there was that time my daughter got locked in and couldn't get out again... (Won't go into that here...)
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  26. And we wonder why men grow up with "mommy" issues...
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  27. You are too funny....way too funny. I love how you told the story, because at first, I was like, "What the hey is she doing in a men's restroom?" Very nice way to lead us into the story, and the payoff was great.
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  28. oh my GOD that was hysterical.
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  29. My wife always takes our kids into the ladies room. So she never had that problem. Me... well a few girls walked in on me since there was a long line to use the females restroom. My bladder almost busted on the way home that night!
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  30. "I might feel better about this if you scrapbook." Brilliant line. Simply marvelous.

    BTW, I'm an old reader with a new address . . . the former Chris @ M-ville is now at:

    www.knuckleheadhumor.com

    Come stop by!
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  31. Ann, wow...
    and the onward and upwards..got me all hysterical

    Peace - Rene

    And I did wonder if the Family Restroom option was available :)
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  33. Crazy- we just had our first experience on Sunday with my six year-old refusing the ladies room with me, and insisting on going to the men's room. Oh, and just to make the horror perfect, this showdown happened at a public park. So I stood outside the nasty latrine while my little guy marked his territory. With poop, naturally.
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  34. Holy shit. Take him to the ladies. That's terrifying.....
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  35. This is the one advantage to a son in college.
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  36. I send C in with a friend at Family Movie Night at a local museum last week. I could hear them from just outside the door sizing up the urinal:
    "Let's use that!"
    "We can't, it's too tall."
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  37. And H? He has to take a dump every time we go to a restaurant. Every time...
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  38. Unfortunately, this is almost too true to be funny.

    As the mom of four boys, I have my own set of rules for Men's Bathroom etiquette. Feel free to read my post on the subject.
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  39. Another reason I'm so happy to have a girl. The whole men's bathroom thing would have turned me inside-out.

    Hmmm...would be an interesting scrapbook page...
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  40. that is one pissing session that poor man will never EVER forget. he may even be unable to pee in a public restroom ever agai.
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  41. T gets mad at me but I still make him use the ladies room with me most of the time and he is six. What age will I stop, I don't know. I let E at 11 go in the ladies room but not as much worry there.
    I just can never forget a story I heard on the news years ago.It was reporting that a male child age 12 had been molested and killed in an airport bathroom, while his aunt stood outside the restroom. Okay, now you'll never let him go alone again. Sorry.
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  42. I have had more than one experience in which a mother walked into the men's room.

    If I am in the middle of my business in a stall I am not going to yell back at you. Just not going to happen.

    My five year old daughter hates going into the Men's room and throws a fit. She wants to know why I can't just stand in the doorway of the Ladies' room.

    Didn't bother to try and explain why that is a bad idea.
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  43. Thanks for warning me about what is in my future with my two-year-old dude. These worries have had no reason to enter my mind yet. Thanks for planting them in there prematurely. I have lots of room in my brain for premature worries.

    :-)
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  44. Oy. My kids are not allowed to grow up period, the end. Also, hilarious, while terrifying, that's hard to do.
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  45. I can't imagine dealing with this with boys. I would be so freaked out! I'd make them come into the ladies' room with me until they were 18. You can do that, right?
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  46. Holy shit, and again I'm laughing out loud. You are so funny.
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  47. OMG...that is hysterical!!!
    Great post :)
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