Thursday, August 20, 2009

Dear Fat Ass

No, I do not want to see your audition for Garfield Capades. I do believe you can do a triple sowcow, but I don’t want to see it now. You just might be the next fuzzy, yellow, obese Sasha Cohen, but you are interfering with a highly sensitive decompression process known as “blogging so nobody gets hurt.”

Perhaps you don’t realize I’m still radioactive as a result of the double-tantrum-Chernobyl we called “bedtime” tonight, but if you don’t stop knocking over my screen with your girth you will soon become eternally the Garfield Capades poster cat—meaning an inanimate one-dimensional version of yourself.

If I concede to watch you model your new ice-dancing-itard will you lay off the heavy breathing? Yes, you can sit next to me. Just don’t interfere with my work. Was that a scoff? Yes, work.

You’re reading over my shoulder again aren’t you. Of course I am open to constructive criticism. No, ice-dancing-itard is not a real word. Your point? If I pet you for a minute, will you leave me alone? Well, no, if you must know, I do not no how to end this. That's not true. I am not afraid to ask for help.

A;slodik ufp[aowiey rtiad;foaniem rpgtivuqhp34n9a;lsk ejfnrowi4ermqpv34ncitupq34cm5k[0qo34mt56[q0943vtku,qp39muet4k,pq3924txu,pqpqo

Touché.
Posted by Ann Imig
at 12:01 AM
Labels: , ,

38 comments:

  1. The cat knows you're kidding - you can't fool cats.
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  2. I read cat, you know, and she had nothing good to say about you!
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  3. That cat has a potty mouth!!
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  4. I love the way you and I have decided to stop posting so much.
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  5. Awww kitty..negative attention is better than no attention, yes?

    Ann the glow from your monitor is kitteh's spotlight and you are crowding it.... :)

    Peace - Rene
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  6. We had a child at school who threw a double-tantrum-Chernobyl yesterday. And, yes, it interferred with my work.

    Maybe try some liver treats.
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  7. I banished my cats from the computer room (yes, I had one)... back when I had cats. I think they snuck in at night when I was at work (or asleep... or both) because I would find all kinds of cat hair inside the computers when I'd take them apart.
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  8. Your cat is not helping to sway dog people like me. That was vicious!
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  9. My cat, Tiger Lilly, who is basically my fifth appendage says: lzjjodsfupaoeurklanefioYpoz. Meow.
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  10. Cats give me the willies. I'm afraid of any animal that's smarter than me.
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  11. My cat Gus loves to walk back and forth across my desk when it's time for supper. If I try to shut him out of my office, he howls like a human baby. I have no defenses against that.
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  12. My 15 yo son was looking over my shoulder last night while I was typing.

    Too big to sit on the keyboard, though.
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  13. Heh...every now and then I take it into my head to clean the laptop keyboard...and remove about a pound of hair from under the keys!

    One of my cats likes to sleep on it when I'm not typing, and I frequently forget to close it up. Sigh.

    Hey, want a kitten to keep Fat Ass on his/her toes? I know where to find one or three...

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K (who is still giggling)
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  14. Hehe - so my (23 lb) cat! He wants what he wants, when he wants it - right now he's distracted with fresh food in his bowl.

    Might I also suggest a dog that the cat hates - all you have to do 'round here to get Max to retreat to this kitty-condo is ask the dog "where's Max" and off he runs.
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  15. Strategic error. I think kitties love negative attention better than positive attention !

    At least our brat cat did.
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  16. Wow, your cat has a mouth on him!

    (What is it with cats and computers??? I got me a little feline techno stalker too)
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  17. Cats creep me out...just in case you were wondering. LOL!
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  18. Yes! Maybeline and my computer fight on a nightly basis. She nudges her fat face on the corner of the screen until it closes... then she hops over me and drinks out of my glass of water. Nice.
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  20. I own one just like that. She is huge. I'd put her on a diet but I also own a super skinny one.
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  21. Too much catnip? Not enough? How many lives left? I mean the cat, not you!
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  22. haha!! I love it

    http://confessions-of-a-waitress.blogspot.com/
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  23. at least fat ass probably doesn't drool all over you like a damn dog, like my stupid cat does!
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  24. Yet another reasonable explanation for why the CatLady does not own a cat.
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  25. "A;slodik ufp[aowiey rtiad;foaniem rpgtivuqhp34n9a;lsk ejfnrowi4ermqpv34ncitupq34cm5k[0qo34mt56[q0943vtku,qp39muet4k,pq3924txu,pqpqo"

    Perfect! Genius! Bravo! I couldn't have said it better myself. Can I quote you?
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  26. Did Garfield train your cat? What attitude.

    I wouldn't even put up with that from Zack and Zanna. No way.

    ("Right," says Zack the Wonderdog, as he goes and hides his mom's "Cesar the Dog Whisperer" book.)
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  27. I love your "fucking felines" tag.... I'm going to do a google search on that phrase. Once I get internet access again. Arrrrrgh! Fucking Garfield.
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  28. I'm so glad I'm allergic to sasha cohens. Do you have any idea how many small mammals these free rangers consume in a year? Watch out!
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  30. This is why I don't own a cat. I hate when animals read over my shoulder. Get your own newspaper.
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  31. my dogs want to come over for a play date. (They're hungry....)
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  32. I'm kittphobic but if I had a cat I'd call it fat ass too because that is such a cool name for a cat.
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  33. You're not even fooling the cat, we can tell she's got you wrapped around her fat orange tail.
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  34. I love cats. But the spooky ones are too much and need dominating. I can do that, Ann...you know how much I love you. I ain't whistlin'....x
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  35. I am NOT a cat lover. So you will never lose me when you use your fucking felines tagline. :-) I am as allergic as all get out to cats. My throat totally closes and I like almost die. So when I move in next door I guess the playdates will always have to be at my place. But really this cat thing could be the deal-breaker to our love affair friendship.

    :-)
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  36. OH, it's all fun and games until the police are tapping into your phone lines and UPS delivers packages that the cat demands to sign for herself.

    They look so innocent, don't they? But if they got any better -- or developed a way around the opposable-thumb thing, you wouldn't be able to keep them in the house.

    Dangerous and adorable. Damn cats.

    Pearl
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  37. Has your cat been talking to my cat on the phone? They have the same tactics...
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  38. My sister was actually one of the original GLOW wrestlers. Her name was California Doll.
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