Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Babysitter Interview: Myself as a Twelve-Year-Old

Do you have any experience caring for children? No.

Do you have any younger siblings? I have an older brother who tortures me, but soon I will seek revenge by surrounding myself with incredibly hot unattainable friends. My step-sister and I make stuff and sell it to our neighbors. We said we were giving the money to a charity, but we never sent it to a charity. My sister never lets me in her room.

What makes you qualified to care for our children? What.

Do you know CPR? I take Hebrew twice a week.

Do you know first aid? I took piano and violin once. My Dad made me practice on the porch.

Do you know what to do in case of emergency? When I’m sixteen a toaster oven will burst into flames at the table right next to where the kids are sitting. I will throw a wet washcloth into the fire and for some reason the fire will go out, instead of engulfing the entire apartment building. I guess I was supposed to throw flour on it or something. But that’s four long years from now, and when I’m sixteen I still won’t know what to do in the case of most emergencies.

Do you have your own transportation? I have a ten speed but I’m not very good at the turns. My parents might drop me off if you pick me up. Usually they tell me to take the bus during the day. It's so weird when the Dads drive me home and we have to talk, but can we take your Mercedes with power windows? I chose the name Mercedes in Spanish class.

How do you handle discipline? What.

What will you do if our children are misbehaving? Turn on the TV.

What if they refuse to settle down? I will give them ice cream.

How much do you charge? $2.50 per hour is what you will end up paying me. I’m way too embarrassed to answer this question directly.

Are you interested in working for our family? Ok. Do you have cable? Do you have call-waiting? What kind of sugar cereal to you have?
Posted by Ann Imig
at 12:01 AM
Labels:

31 comments:

  1. The last one was probably the most important! My fifteen year old tries to bring her laptop to babysitting jobs!
    ReplyDelete
  2. Hilarious!

    And they still hired you?!
    ReplyDelete
  3. So funny, so true!

    I used to babysit for a woman with no television. The kid would go to bed at 8 and the mom wouldn't come home til after bar close. What's a 13 year old to do for 8 hours with no tv? Snoop!
    ReplyDelete
  4. Thanks Ann! I was a total snoop at all of my babysitting jobs! I lived near an apartment complex full of divorced and single people who had kids so I raked in the $ and had my Nancy Drew itch scratched.

    And I too couldn't make turns on my ten speed for the longest time!

    Peace - Rene
    ReplyDelete
  5. So funny! And true! Thanks for a Wednesday-morning chuckle. Reminds me of one time I was babysitting at a neighbor's and there was a knock on the door at about 7 p.m. "I'm here to fix the ice maker," said a strange voice through the door. Stranger danger!!! My heart pounding, I immediately called my parents, who came over to find that it actually was the ice-machine repairman. The mom I was babysitting for apologized for not telling me he'd probably come by!
    ReplyDelete
  6. "$2.50 per hour is what you will end up paying me."

    You're hired.
    ReplyDelete
  7. Isn't this all the truth? Lord help us!! Hilarious.
    ReplyDelete
  8. What a clever way to do this!
    I think it'd be really scary to go back and actually interview my 12 year old self.
    ReplyDelete
  9. Once a babysitting client, after I had already spent 6 hours with her devil spawn children informed me that while I had told her I charged $2.50 an hour, she only paid fifty cents an hour. That was the last time I ever babysat for her, and she had the nerve to ask my mother why I wouldn't sit for her anymore. Mom, bless her heart, told her the truth - "Your kids are awful and you don't pay enough."
    ReplyDelete
  10. Too funny.

    So what is the criteria for you hiring a sitter?
    ReplyDelete
  11. I remember those rides homw with the Dads. Creepy.
    ReplyDelete
  12. I think I hired you... where were you around 1995?
    ReplyDelete
  13. You and I might've hung out...

    Pearl
    ReplyDelete
  14. This is great, although I would've have asked if they had any cheese products in the house as that's all I knew how to make- Grilled Cheese, Mac and Cheese... Cheese and Crackers... Etc
    ReplyDelete
  15. About as much as most people know when they become mothers themselves, I expect. Minus the $2.50 an hour.
    ReplyDelete
  16. do you ask the same questions when you hire a sitter?!
    ReplyDelete
  17. Oh...the good old days. So fun to remember.

    By the way... I'm going on a bear hunt... Our children are seriously adorable aren't they. I mean I know we are probably biased and all...but when they came out wearing the ever so fashionable paperbag vests and toiletpaper roll binoculars...seriously, my heart melted. A5 is so damn cute! You done good girly! I tried waving from afar, however...easily missed among the masses. HUGS, Mel
    ReplyDelete
  18. I used to babysit for our next door neighbors. The boys were terrible. But they had a box full of Twinkies and HoHos and girly mags it only took me about fifteen minutes to find.

    And it they came home REALLY drunk they just gave me whatever was left of their cash. Sometimes, JACKPOT.

    I wish I still had that job.
    ReplyDelete
  19. I felt that "refrigerator contents" was high on the list of what made a babysitting job attractive. I talked on the phone the whole time so a phone in close proximity to the refrigerator was a plus (this was in the stone age when most phones had cords)
    ReplyDelete
  20. MTV! We didn't have it at home and I loved babysitting for anyone with MTV. The eighties.
    ReplyDelete
  22. It was a great job to have wasn't it?
    ReplyDelete
  23. 12 - 13 1/2 is the optimal age for babysitting. For me anyway, it was downhill on the responsibility scale after that. Sparkle is 13 yrs. and 3 mos. and I'm encouraging her to take full advantage of her baby sitting prime time. Funny post! PS- if you don't want sitters to spend their whole time on the cell phone, you might want to mention that - not that I ever asked ... both my girls now tell me most of their baby sitters totally ignored them and texted, talked, or played games on their cell phones the whole time. My 13 plus year old self would have been right with them, typing away with my thumbs and avoiding eye contact.
    ReplyDelete
  24. I remember my parents leaving me at home to babysit for my brother and sister when I was seven. SEVEN! What the hell were they thinking?
    ReplyDelete
  26. This was so funny; great idea.
    ReplyDelete
  27. I love it and you are HIRED ... i need you at 6 thanks.
    ReplyDelete
  29. Makes me want to stock up on sugared cereal and maybe even get cable again, just so that we can get a babysitter who is as qualified as you were. (I promise, I was not nearly so qualified). Or maybe just get one for only 2.50/hour? Hmmm...
    ReplyDelete
  30. Oh, my goodness, this is so funny. I also babysat (for an infant!) when I was twelve, and now I look at 16-year-olds, and have to think at LEAST three times about letting them babysit my little guy - and he's almost 2 now!
    ReplyDelete
  31. You are so right. I remember my first babysitting job. I totally made lots of calls. But I made more than 2.50 I made 3.00 dollars an hour starting out. I remember all the bad kids and then I said pay me more.
    ReplyDelete

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)