Let’s Renew Our Vows: A Challenge Grant!

Beloved husband, on the occasion of our upcoming Tenth Wedding Anniversary I would like to say I love you, I like you, and I vow the following benevolently if and only if you match my generous vows!!

When I let you sleep-in, you greet the day enthusiastically within ten minutes of gentle prodding. Ok, sometimes this includes unintentional toddler ball-slam but hey, it’s a lot easier than a vasectomy. No no my Dear One, twenty minutes is far beyond my “mommy-go-psycho” grace period. It’s a challenge grant. Accept the challenge and we become “Buddies” and earn an incentive tote bag!

Your glasses are broken. Again. I admire your superglue fortitude, and prefer it to the hot-glue-gun booger that hung on the side of your last pair. I challenge you to purchase new glasses before said glasses become a Woody Allen inspired monocle. In turn I vow to embrace forthcoming identical brand new pair of Woody Allenesque glasses with nary a flinch of disappointment. Nary a flinch! At this level we become “friends” and receive a commemorative mug.

Thank you for your hot new professional haircut. Let’s make a habit of it! I challenge you to leave your awesome DIY skills to the homestead and away from your hairstead. In turn, I vow to look into your eyes, rather than at your hair when we speak. Slowly put down the clippers and back away from the thinning shears. There you go. It’s okay, it’s okay. I’m here, and so is our signature logo t-shirt! Cha-Ching!

Thank you for purchasing new clothes. Yes! Go forth and purchase! Continue your twice-per-decade schedule and I challenge you to double it! I vow to embrace those brand new black Banana Republic sweaters, as I did their holy predecessors (yes of course I mean sacred). I love you, my rock of fashion consistency. Let’s celebrate at the “Patron” level and receive our “Best of Us” compilation DVD!

I vow to allow you to meet your most basic needs. Every time I seem to need you, or every time we need to leave the house, or get somewhere quickly without stopping—by all means relax and do your bidness. I accept the challenge to allow you to relieve yourself. One more time. Again. REALLY? Seriously? Huhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I guess we now become “Partners” and receive the Yankee scented candle for this one.

I challenge you to drive within ten miles over the speed limit when you are in a hurry, and to minimally maintain the posted speed limit when we go any place on my agenda. So less going 60mph on residential streets en route to Home Depot, and less going 5mph en route to my Mom’s house, okay? I vow to maintain my inner-equilibrium , rather than flail about the console demonstrating your unnecessary speed. If we reach this lofty goal, we become “Lifers” and receive the steak knives! Go team!!

This is your mission if you choose to accept it. Not that you have much of a choice.

A generous and loving anonymous donor