Monday, May 18, 2009

I’m the Potty Bitch

And I'm on a very short leash.

This weekend, Two-Year-old dealt the toddler trump card. He officially opened Pandora’s Potty, unabashedly displaying his toilet readiness. His potty power can not be denied, and to respond “No” or “Wait a minute” or “Do it yourself” is ignorance defined.

For the next days, weeks, hell MONTHS, even before the “P” leaves his mouth for “Pee-Pee in da…” we’re off on the potty relay; abandoning full grocery carts, dodging innocent bystanders, ripping off 2Ts, and fumbling with germ-ridden public toilet seats. By the time we get to “..otty” we’d better be staring down at porcelain or a nice private shrub.

Often the accommodations prove less ideal:

Watch out for the seat! Don’t touch tha—UCKY. NO! Not that! That is for…uh…diapers, ladies’ diapers! Never mind. Hold on to your penis, you have to hold ON! That’s enough toilet paper. That’s PLENTY. N-N-N-No hands in the potty. Don’t touch the—of course you can flush. Great Job! Potty Dance! So proud so proud so proud, don’t touch don’t touch don’t touch. There’s a Party in my Potty, SO Yummy So Yummy. No! Not Yummy!! Uckyuckyucky. Wash your hands. COME BACK HERE. You MUST wash your hands. Yes you can do it yourself. SorrySorrySorry. Go Ahead. YES your turn. Clean and dry! Yes clean and dry. So proud. Mamas proud, Daddys proud, Nanas proud--NOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo NOT the trash caaannnnnn…

Once merely a diaper-bag Sherpa, I now resemble the packhorse, laden with changes of clothes and micro-underpants and diapers and wipes in case of the dreaded punami.

No need for congratulations nor condolences...just a box of wine and some knee pads. Thanks.
Posted by Ann Imig
at 12:01 AM
Labels: , , , ,

38 comments:

  1. Damn I'm glad those days are over. I have abandoned those same carts many many times.
    ReplyDelete
  2. hahaha - I met some friends for dinner and they have a little girl so they wanted me to take my niece with me. I told my niece that if my friend's little girl had to go to the potty she was to get up and go with her. Sure enough, during dinner my friend's daughter asked her mom to take her to the potty and my niece said she had to go too - I'm not good with taking her to the restroom - apparently girls have to sit down no matter what.
    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm gearing up for this with my youngest right now. It's pure HELL!
    ReplyDelete
  4. You do not make me miss the days of having the boys sink Cherrios at all! The good news is that they really do handle all this on their own by the time they leave for college (I have proof, so you can trust me).
    ReplyDelete
  5. And some hand sanitizer to boot!
    ReplyDelete
  6. The preschool teacher in me feels the need to remind you.....if you are dressing him in onesies and overalls....now is the time to abandon those for easy, elastic waistbands!!!
    GOOD LUCK!
    ReplyDelete
  7. I hope you've saved yourself some trouble and let him know that the trashcans at home are not an acceptable place to pee.
    ReplyDelete
  8. Diaper Bag Sherpa, you kill me.

    p.s. I expect to see my name in your labels the next time. (are you guilt-ridden yet?) But since I like you, I'll forgive you....just this once. :))

    xox
    ReplyDelete
  9. Ah crap, you stole my whistlin' line ....

    Hey, see that? I coulda left it at 'Ah crap' and all woulda been well...cos y'know...talking about toilets 'n' stuff...

    (whistlin'...)
    ReplyDelete
  10. Oh man. Boychild is starting to show signs of interest, and I am half dreading it. On the one hand, having only one child in diapers would be a dream. On the other hand . . . everything you just described.

    Sigh.
    ReplyDelete
  11. HAHA!! But when I am eating in a restaurant with my mommy I still ask her to take me to the potty!!! Is that bad?? I don't touch anything so I guess that is good right??

    Be right back, I have to go potty!!!
    ReplyDelete
  12. Awe lil one growing up.. Congratulations and it's sad at the same time..won't be long they will be leaving home!
    ReplyDelete
  13. There is absoulutely nothing I can add to that! Completely brilliant and 100% hilarious.

    This Mommy is proud of you!
    ReplyDelete
  14. Hey, my son's 7 and he still isn't asking to potty. Maybe he and I should talk. The pull-ups are getting a little tight.

    Terrific post!
    ReplyDelete
  15. I have been finding that everything gets harder AND more complicated as my kids become more "independent". I mean, I thought that having will of their own was annoying. Now this constant monitoring of everything that they can supposedly do by themselves is becoming the new bane of my existence.
    ReplyDelete
  16. Punami!? Bwah ha ha ha ha hah!

    That is genius.
    ReplyDelete
  17. Awesome. Mommmy's diapers. That's funny stuff. A perfectly told tale of just exactly what it means to be the Potty Bitch.

    I also find myself saying frequently: "No, we don't take food with us into the potty," and "Please get your face off of the toilet seat," or "Stop staring at the poopy and flush."
    ReplyDelete
  18. I'll take some wine too please...we just started on our potty training endeavors. No public toilets yet, but I'm NOT looking forward to it!
    ReplyDelete
  19. You definitely deserve a box of wine.
    ReplyDelete
  20. Hey Ann! It's been a while since I've visited your blog. I completely get what you're saying here! Alex isn't really potty training too much but when he sees a "little" potty at a kid friendly place he just HAS to sit. Nothing happens mind you-- just that I now have to wait for him to try and then diaper him standing up etc. etc. Good luck with the whole thing. We won't be too far behind. PS. In my house it's Talia who still seems to have her hands ALL OVER THE POTTY. I just have to repeat a mantra in my head "It's OK, don't freak out, she's going to wash her hands, It's OK, don't freak out..."
    ReplyDelete
  21. Here's the thing..."I" am now doing that to my daughter...gotta go-go...

    I gotta go pee pee, yeah you know me...
    ReplyDelete
  22. You deserve the wine...I remember those traumatic days and they'll be coming to me again in another 2 years!! Running the whole length of Costco with a toddler who insists that he HAS to go NOW is particularly memorable. AND, of course, the public toilet seats which he also insisted on manhandling...urk!!
    ReplyDelete
  23. I always had girls, so target shooting Cheerios in the pot was not something I got to enjoy. Until recently when grandsons came into the picture. Now I just laugh and laugh at their antics. Cuz somebody else is handling their business, not me!
    ReplyDelete
  24. I believe we are not far from this day. And I am scared. So scared.

    Hold me.
    ReplyDelete
  25. I do not miss that, well, shit at all. Just keep a good supply of baby wipes and maybe a hose.
    ReplyDelete
  26. There was a potty training newphew in a stoller in a DVD store at the mall diarrhea episode that I still suspect has influenced my childless state...
    ReplyDelete
  27. I'm SO happy I'm past this challenge with my daughter! Although I still need to remind her to wash her hands...ALL THE FRICKIN' TIME! Blech!

    Loved the video with you and Amy drinking out of beer boots! :) Looks like that lush can drink you under the table, huh? ;)
    ReplyDelete
  28. Yikes!

    Yep ... that's all I got!
    ReplyDelete
  29. The punami! Ahahaha! And ladies diapers - I've been trying to figure out a way to make Monsoon stop touching/asking about that box on the wall... diapers should do it. Oh, if only they could SEE the germs floating about. Never mind, then they'd want a bucket and shovel in the bathroom with them.
    ReplyDelete
  30. I love the potty dance. . . I'm dancing it just thinging about you. . .
    ReplyDelete
  31. At least boys can whip it out and go almost anywhere. Last summer my husband tried to convince my daughter to go in the woods. She decided peeing her pants was the better option.

    Good Luck, potty training stinks!
    ReplyDelete
  32. I love, love the dialogue here....It is so my humor! And, ladies' diapers?? LOL.
    ReplyDelete
  33. Yet another stage that you will be grateful to end!

    Good luck, sherpa-lady. :) At least he is a willing participant in the proceedings and not a fecal-hoarder that you will have to worry about still being in a diaper at 7 years old! See? A silver lining!
    ReplyDelete
  34. Good luck! Familiar dialog, except in our case it is that dialog one day and then "Mommy, I go pee pee in the..." "Potty?" "NOOOOO! Iwanmy SESAME STREET DIAPER!!! NOOOO!" for the next two weeks after that! Good times.
    ReplyDelete
  35. Excerpt from my blog post, Nov '08:

    "The one problem I’ve encountered with having a potty trained toddler is the archenemy, the public toilet. Kate doesn’t like public toilets because THEY DON’T HAVE A LID, THEY DON’T HAVE A LID MOM. Poor kid doesn’t realize the lack of a lid is the least worry to have about a public toilet. Also, do you realize how difficult it is to sit a tiny toddler on a public toilet? You know, with that big gaping hole in the front? If there isn't a product on the market to combat this, someone better get on that, STAT! It is impossible to conquer without one, or both of you, touching some part of the toilet. That is something I’ve spent my adult life avoiding contact with."
    ReplyDelete
  36. That's pretty damn funny! lol. My first time here. I remember those days. Now I sound like that only it's related to teaching my daughter to drive. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh! lol.

    Substitute steering wheel for penis, lol.
    ReplyDelete
  38. I recognize that "in a public bathroom with a two year old" dialog. lol

    Thankfully mine are 3 and 7 now and I've given up on trying to get them to not touch the seat. The 3 year old still reaches for the "lady diaper" storage though. Ugh.
    ReplyDelete

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)