Dear Wife,
Please write this on my behalf, as you already interrupt me, finish my sentences, and speak for me on a regular basis. Below please find a partial list of things I should’ve told you thirteen years ago:
In my late twenties, I will decide that black is my favorite color and all I want to wear. I’ll decide you look best in black too. As a testament of my love for you, I will present you with a short-sleeved black t-shirt for your 30th birthday gift, when you are 2 months postpartum with our first child. I will quickly realize your tears do not express joy.
You might not recognize my brand of perfectionism. It involves procrastination. In fact, at some point you suggest making me a t-shirt that reads “Not At This Particular Moment” as it will become my motto in life.
No, I am not mad at you.
I am not thinking anything.
Nothing is wrong.
I’m happy to cuddle with you, but Jesus Woman, I have my limits. Same with back-scratching and talking. Eventually I will need to get up and move around—like after two hours.
I heart leaf blowers. I will see you gesticulating furiously at me, but thankfully I will not hear you over the roar of my foliage rocket. I cannot help myself. There are some things a man has got to hold on to.
In my early thirties I will suggest that I never need to hear from you the phrase “Why Don’t You…” ever again. In my life.
How about I begin smoking at age 30? I think I’ll choose Cloves.
I don’t want to ruin this surprise, but I’m going to allow you to pick out, mail, and sign all greeting cards for my family. Forever. Now I love me some cranky Maxine, but I’d feel greedy hoarding all this joy that you can so efficiently spread to my family of origin.
I strongly believe that unopened mail belongs in piles.
Oh, and one more thing. I fear spiders, mice, and any manner of household freaky-deakies. You’re on your own babe. Here’s a lifetime supply of paper towels. Hold me!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
In my late twenties, I will decide that black is my favorite color and all I want to wear. I’ll decide you look best in black too. As a testament of my love for you, I will present you with a short-sleeved black t-shirt for your 30th birthday gift, when you are 2 months postpartum with our first child. I will quickly realize your tears do not express joy.
You might not recognize my brand of perfectionism. It involves procrastination. In fact, at some point you suggest making me a t-shirt that reads “Not At This Particular Moment” as it will become my motto in life.
No, I am not mad at you.
I am not thinking anything.
Nothing is wrong.
I’m happy to cuddle with you, but Jesus Woman, I have my limits. Same with back-scratching and talking. Eventually I will need to get up and move around—like after two hours.
I heart leaf blowers. I will see you gesticulating furiously at me, but thankfully I will not hear you over the roar of my foliage rocket. I cannot help myself. There are some things a man has got to hold on to.
In my early thirties I will suggest that I never need to hear from you the phrase “Why Don’t You…” ever again. In my life.
How about I begin smoking at age 30? I think I’ll choose Cloves.
I don’t want to ruin this surprise, but I’m going to allow you to pick out, mail, and sign all greeting cards for my family. Forever. Now I love me some cranky Maxine, but I’d feel greedy hoarding all this joy that you can so efficiently spread to my family of origin.
I strongly believe that unopened mail belongs in piles.
Oh, and one more thing. I fear spiders, mice, and any manner of household freaky-deakies. You’re on your own babe. Here’s a lifetime supply of paper towels. Hold me!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
A belated BIG thanks Missy for my "Funniest Shit All Week Award" AND for "keepin' it real and tellin' it like it is" Missy, those are the best compliments you could ever give me. People, go check out her bibs (and I'm not talkin' grown up overalls)...
And to new bloggy friend Fiona over at Bantering Blonde: Thank you for the "Bloggy Friend" award. You're blog is witty as described and I love the way you put so much bloggy camaraderie into the sphere. Thanks, friend!
21 comments:
Foliage rocket. Awesomely funny. My new favorite phrase.
Procrastination is one of my husband's top to do list priorities. Everything must wait until the very last minute. Preferably until "it's too late," whenever that may apply. I'm just lucky we don't own a leaf blower.
Aha! Touche!!!
please, your hubby has got to have a friend with as good a sense of humor as he does. Love the leaf blower one....You guys are so great together
And they lived happily, prolifically writing, ever after!
I like the idea of correspondence marriage. Might have worked for me.
"gesticulating" is possibly my favorite word ever. Tell me you didn't make it up so that I may use it (or overuse it, most likely). Now I'll never be able to do that again without cracking a smile. My husband might thank you.
I LOVE that response. Hilariuos! Too bad it falls on deaf ears and blind eyes congrats on the awards!
LMAO @ I heart leaf blowers. I heart you!
Ah, hubbies and leaf-blowers, potting sheds, garages, headphones - Anything to keep us out, Ann! x
OMG I almost died laughing at this post. I would have to write my husband's letter too. I think my husband's T-shirt would read "Now?" on the front and then the back would say "How 'bout when I am good and ready!"
Fabulous! Good to know you understand each other. And I LMAO @ Annje's comment. You should probably market those Ts.
This explains everything!!! Now I understand the leaf blower my husband is forever wandering around with outside... he's secretly drowning me out. Thanks Ann. You've save my marriage :)
This was brilliant!!!
That was too good!!!
Could have been written by anyman USA. . . that is - of course - except the part about the fear of mice. . .
My husband was on the roof this weekend with the foilage rocket. I love that phrase.
You are hilarious!
Household freak -deakies!!! That totally cracked me up girlie!!
Most of the guys are frightened of household freaky-deakies. Thats why they marry us gals. So we can deal with those freaks!!!
:O)
Your husband sounds like a keeper.
leaf blowers - is that like a rite of passage in the male species or what!?!?!
OMG I'm dying! This was sooo funny! Thank you!
I've completely run out of new and clever ways to say "that's freakin' funny!" But it is! Can I steal this idea if I give you credit and link back? I'm already composing the letters in my head, I can't help it. It's contagious or something!
Oh my so its true, all men do love leaf blowers. I am sure there is omething psychologically deep about this fact too. Great post and he sounds a lovely guy!
Whooooeeeee! This was fun. My favorite was the greeting cards. When my H and I got back together after a 2 yr separation, one of the stipulations I made was that he could send his own damn cards. If I buy a card, its from ME.
Why do these little things become invested with so much baggage?
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