Real Valentines

Romeo, Romeo
Get off of my balcony or I will get a restraining order

Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue
If the kitchen isn’t clean in the morning
I will go Elizabeth Taylor-Martha-Virginia Woolf on you

My love is like a red red rose
Kind of cliche and a little wilted

Be Mine!
(Just kidding. Everyone in the class got one)

Your love is like bad medicine
There is no appropriate way to dispose of it except maybe sending it to a third world country

Some say love it is a flower
But that my dear, is garlic mustard

I love you a bushel and a peck
Whatever the hell that means

And I’ll be your friend
And I’ll be your lover
And I know in our hearts we’ll agree
It’s better if you shave your own back hair

You are the sunshine of my life
and the dirty sock balls on my floor

Love me tender, love me true...
Let me go to sleep

My real valentine for you, dear readers, is a $100 dollar shopbop gift card giveaway! Leave a comment with “SB” and I will select a winner at random—posting the results Friday. Shopbop has stylish clothing and accessories at every price point. On the cheap--I LOVE these Madewell gunmental earrings, which would look quite fetching with this Alexander Wang Jess handbag (she says while slobbering on her keyboard).

xoxo

Name Calling

The ultimate household insult has been upgraded from “Meatiac” to “Greediac”
(although “Babyful Person” is a contender and known to insight tears)

We are also noticing an upswing in “you nasty” as in:

Me: I love sour cream
Almost Six: You NASTY!

and

Me: Do you want a kiss?
Three: We hate princess kisses. Girls are NASTY.

Keep these insults in mind and please head over to the Mouthy Housewives. I’m honored to guest post today, giving advice for handling the Greediac in any group.

p.s. don’t forget to vote for those very Mouthy Housewives' and Aunt Becky's Blogher humor/advice blogging ROYO session! Blogher ROYO sounds like something off a value menu, doesn't it?

What Up Miss Piggle Wiggle

Famous for her “Won’t Pick Up Toys Cure” “Never-Want-To-Go-To-Bedders Cure” and “Radish cure” (in which Miss Piggle Wiggle suggested planting seeds in your very dirty child, if I remember correctly), Miss Piggle Wiggle now addresses the problems of a new generation:

“The Stop Selling Your Brother’s Ritalin Cure”

“The Seasonal Affective My Left One, Get Outside This Instant Cure”

“The DS All The Damned Day Cure”

“The Its Your Bat Mitzvah Not Your Bachelorette Party Cure”

“The Yu-huh Fruit Snacks Are So A Raw Food Cure”

“The Get off Your Motorized Scooter and Walk Your Ass Two Blocks to School Cure”

“The Lunch Money Not Extra-Shot-Venti-No-Foam-Latte Money Cure”

“The Texting Is Neither A Verb Nor A Proper Way To Speak To Your Mother Cure”

“The Pullups Are Not Forever Cure”

“The No You May Not Register for Birthday Gifts Cure”

“The Sale at Forever 21 Does Not Constitute Emergency-only Cell Phone Use Cure”

“The I Don’t Care If You Are a Vegetarian Vampire, Eat Your Brisket Cure”

and finally...

“The Post Photos Of Yourself on Facebook and Miss Piggle Wiggle Will Kill You in Your Sleep Cure"

The Crack Facktor

So seventy is the new fifty is the new thirty is the new embryo. Heels and Hose have been replaced with skinny jeans and Uggs for casual mom fashion, and for the most part I say Hallelu-JAH.

I like feeling campus-chic when I smack my forehead going through the tube slide--no fear of mussing my skirts or running my stockings. While little plastic eggs are fun, I prefer to let little Christian children search for them on Easter, rather than pry one open every morning for my Leggs.

But the biggest trend in mom fashion for our generation is also an inadvertent one…

The Crack Facktor.

Our butts are falling out all over the place. Big or little, light or dark, we are falling all over ourselves--even while we attempt playground-appropriate. Sure, we nipped that panty line catastrophe in the butt, but now we are plumbing ourselves all over the parkbench.

Half-water Juice Box? Check. Whole Grain Goldfish? Check? Double buttcheeks? Err… Check.

After showing a different side of ourselves to Grandpa during that ill-fated round of horseshoe toss “I’ll get those, Grandpa! Got ‘em! WHOOPSIE DAISEY” most of us learned the lesson of the low-rise. You try to compromise, but even the midrise and a long tank top fail on occasion--like every time I wrestle with a snow boot or bend to retrieve an errant mitten.

Pardon me, but did you hear that? The collective GASP of our ancestral matriarchs?

Yep, they're a-spinnin' round and round. Don't you hear their cry?

WHERE ARE THE GRANNY PANTS
WHERE ARE THE MOM JEANS
COVER UP YOUR TRAMP STAMP
KEEP BUTTS UNSEEN! (Repeat and alternate with KEEP YOUNG MINDS CLEAN)

How long will we keep this up?

I'm imagining the inevitable remake of “Golden Girls” called “Molded Girls." References to "flab" or "sag" will need to be written out. Instead of silk bathrobes and turbans, the new cast will sport “GILF” shirts and yoga pants.

And my how we will miss the granny pant...

Humane Society Pet Adoption Interview Questions REVISED

[What they should've asked...]

Why do you want to adopt a pet? Do you yearn for more feet on your keyboard and furbutt slamming your laptop screen shut?

Do you know what kind of pet is right for you? May we suggest a goldfish? Or better yet, a Webkinz?

Can you afford to care for your pet’s health and safety? Did you plan on spending that grand for kitty dentistry, with no discernible breath improvement? How will you respond to your pet's request for gastric bypass? Will you hand feed him pureed Fancy Feast with an eye dropper, if it means an improvement in his self-esteem?

Will you be able to spend quality time with your pet? Other than the “bray like a demonbaby-upon seeing the neighbor cat at 4am-inflate tail and go psycho” game?

Are you prepared to handle the animal’s health challenges? How do you feel about hairballs? Would you say you enjoy binging and purging as much as the next person?

Are you willing to train your animal companion? When he uses the litterbox as an armrest, can you calmly redirect him? Will you handle litterbox kickbacks swiftly and with compassion? How about when he expresses his ennui by pissing on your pillow?

Are you prepared to pet-proof your home? Could you invent a baby-gate that keeps the toddler out, but lets the kitty cat in? Without decapitating the toddler?

Is your living space adequate for an animal companion? How do you feel about your linen closet as a kitty condo? Would you classify yourself as a "free-range" cat family? Or a "have you seen the cat this week" family?

Are you ready to make a long-term commitment? After your kids move out of the house, do you want a remaining dependent with eight more lives?

You know cats whine, right? Especially just as your children nod off, and often while keyboard pacing?

Excellent. You are denied. NEXT!

Better Than Funny

What is better than funny?

Shopbop not only matched my delurking day donation, but TRIPLED IT! I just got news from my wonderful contact Kelly over at Shopbop that they will donate $250.00 to the relief effort charity of my choice.

Reading this on Stacey/Anymommy's post, and watching this clip from MSNBC, inspired me to donate to God's Littlest Angles, .

Here is what Stacey wrote:
If you want to donate, you probably already have and the Red Cross is an amazing first responder. If you want a long-standing, incredibly well-run organization that has been on the ground with Haiti's children for decades, give to God's Littlest Angels. Truth be told, I should have asked you to give to GLA two years ago. They do astonishing work. They cared for my daughter and for the little boy that was briefly ours for over a year. I lived there for three weeks in January 2005 as a volunteer and witnessed the hard work they do. I didn't ask because I imagined that we all have our own causes, but now as the world focuses on Haiti, I am shamelessly making my suggestion. GLA was caring for 150 children in a difficult, unstable environment on Monday and their job is infinitely harder today. They have the experience, they have the resources, they are accepting cash donations and they are also accepting supplies at their Colorado Springs office. They have brought containers into Haiti many times in the past and whenever that becomes a viable option, they will do it again. Until they can bring in supplies, I know funds will be vital as available supplies in Haiti become even more expensive, processing adoptions are halted and children orphaned or displaced in the earthquake arrive at their gates

Thank you, thank you, thank you to Shopbop for your generous donation, to Stacey for helping it land in good hands, to Pauline/OHMommy for the idea, and to you readers for all your comments.

Gratefully yours,
Ann

Here is something fun to do

By 8-year-old Ann

Take off Chatty Cathy’s mustard colored knitted dress that Granny made and wrap her clothes in Kleenex. Take off Kissing Barbie’s mustard colored scarf that Granny made and wrap it in Kleenex. Put these gifts under the orange desk chair. My mom says my matching curtains, bedspread, and wallpaper colors are called mustard, orange, and olive colors. One day I will have to make my lip-shaped pillow in home ec out of mustard corduroy because that is all we can find in the basement. Go watch Love Connection and eat three bowls of Cookie Crisp. Wake up beautiful daughters and say “Merry Christmas.” Let them unwrap their presents. Take Chatty Cathy’s abdomen disc out and put it in ten times. Pull the string so she says “Willllllyoooooouubeeemahhhfreeehn?” Wish you hadn’t cut her hair, because she does not look good. Punish her by giving her a time out, while you take Kissing Barbie and go watch The Peoples Court. Do several amazing couch routines, because you are great at the ideas of gymnastics. Put on your sister’s fancy rose ballet outfit and deliver a soliloquy entitled “Where am I , Where are my parents” in front of the floor to ceiling mirrors in the living room. Try to see what you look like when you are sleeping. When you hear loud laughter proceed directly to your room, lock the door and sing Tomorrow Tomorrow because you are just as good as Aileen Quinn. She looks so weird in that Annie wig that it makes you uncomfortable. Wish you could stop looking at her. Read Ramona Quimby and repeat Jeezus Beezus over and over again. Go drink water out of a Dixie cup in the bathroom, and film a commercial in the mirror for Natural Nature Drink. Go ride your bike in circles and pretend to drop your beautiful daughters off at school over and over again. Parking is great. Go inside to set the table even though you hate it so much.

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Thank you so much to NapWarden for my blog redesign! Check out her blog and design site. I've really enjoyed working with her (she also did my Ann Imig website--see tab above).

Thanks to everyone who delurked and commented last week. It was thrilling to see such a response. I will make my donation this week. I think I have a sponsor or two planning to match me. Stay tuned for details...