Neti Pot as in “Please do not use my neti pot for a genie lamp”
Kidney Tonic as in “I recommend this Hermit’s mix kidney tonic for your humpback”
Beaujolais as in “Have you met my daughter, Beaujolais?”
HoMedics as in “Get your naked butts off my HoMedics Shiatzu Massager”
Mirena as in “Why do I always want to call Mirena-my-IUD, Minerva?”
Apnea as in “Wondering aloud if Husband’s snoring is due to Apnea, my therapist gave me a new neurosis”
Quinoa as in “Have you met my son, Quinoa?”
Ma’am as in “Why do you need to see my ID for the wine if you’re calling me Ma’am?”
Mindfulness as in “Can you repeat everything you just said? I’m practicing Mindfulness.”
Antioxident as in “Zhis Dawk Chawcwate is hewfy wif its powfuw antioxshidensss”
Sitz Bath as in "I think the nurses' favorite word is sitz bath"
GERD as in “Have you met my Great Aunt GERD?”
###
Thank you to the ever-popular Oh My Goddess (fka Comedy Goddess) for her Goddess Award last Friday. The Goddess always surprises with her sharp wit, and quirky sensibility.
Also, I want to mention to Elizabeth, beautiful writer of Boy Crazy: Finding Clarity in the Chaos and Becky, the hilarious Princess Mikkimoto that it was a pleasure meeting you both last week. I feel so lucky to have local bloggy buds--especially when I am missing dear Amy Bitchin' Wife so much. Thank goodness Maggie isn't going anywhere. Ever. Right Maggie?
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Dear Crossing Czarina
I hope you notice the deference with which I address you, for it demonstrates my awareness of the supreme power you wield in your crosswalk jurisdiction.
I suppose it’s typical of the average crossing guardian to bring their own props; to--how you say-- customize your “beat.” I admire the care you show in placing your blaze cone every morning, and your accompanying folding chair throne. You deserve to be safe; safe, comfy, and omnipotent.
Safe as in “I’ll let him go this time, but next time your toddler needs to dismount the tricycle and walk it”
Comfy as in “I’ll stare you down from my chair—across the street and twenty yards away. I need not rise for you to feel the disdain growing ‘neath my BluBlockers. I have no siren, but a mere shake of my snowy locks causes you to pull your car over and see if I have some crossing-nugget I wish to impart”
Omnipotent as in “I paint my own street markers to ensure the safety of the masses” Only a crossing czarina paints her own RED LINE on the corner and demands “turn around and wait behind the RED LINE.”
As I approached your safety altar with the stroller, you scrambled into position—alerting the lack of traffic with your handy portable STOP sign. I might’ve avoided you all together, but I took the opportunity to obey your authority, and respect your craft-of-the-cross.
But then we had the second cross to contend with. I enjoy the pomp and circumstance of the crosswalk as much as the next biped, and I had no intention of a blatant jay-walk in your presence. Did you note my pause-n-turn genuflection at the curb, before you insisted I go all the way back up behind your RED LINE? I needed that reminder. Thank you.
Thank you also for warning me that a U-turn in a school zone costs $85. My kindergartner assumes you write the tickets. Do you issue citations?
Finally, thanks for screaming at me to move my car at pick up time yesterday, as the car was only halfway parked in the three allotted 10 minute waiting spots, and halfway in the NoparkingNostandingNoleavingyourpreschoolerunattendedNowaytopickupyourkindergartner spot.
You’re a lifesaver.
Ann
###
A couple things that have come to my intention:
1) Thursday is "It's Time To Talk Day." Liz Claiborne Inc.’s Moms and Dads for Education (MADE) to Stop Teen Dating Abuse is a coalition of parents, teachers and concerned citizens advocating that every high school in the country teach a curriculum on preventing dating relationship violence and abuse. Meaghan from Mama's Cup is partnering with Liz Clairborne to help with this very important effort, and asked me to spread the word.
2) Kate of The Big Piece of Cake had the idea to promote indie designers/artists and small companies as a great option for holiday shopping on her As Good As Cake site. It's a sucky economy and the little guys are finding it harder and harder to keep their businesses afloat. Go check out her giveaways and help our fellow blogger/entrepreneurs in the process.
3) Finally, if you are having trouble staying afloat financially, there is help. NFCC.org has launched a series of videos, giving access to free information called “Financial Fast Facts,” brief videos that can be utilized with minimal effort to ensure the right, financial steps are taken before the big holiday rush arrives.
No, I didn't accept gifts or money or anything (accept for a slightly clearer conscious, perhaps) in exchange for any of this linkage. Clearly I need to work on this issue in therapy.
I suppose it’s typical of the average crossing guardian to bring their own props; to--how you say-- customize your “beat.” I admire the care you show in placing your blaze cone every morning, and your accompanying folding chair throne. You deserve to be safe; safe, comfy, and omnipotent.
Safe as in “I’ll let him go this time, but next time your toddler needs to dismount the tricycle and walk it”
Comfy as in “I’ll stare you down from my chair—across the street and twenty yards away. I need not rise for you to feel the disdain growing ‘neath my BluBlockers. I have no siren, but a mere shake of my snowy locks causes you to pull your car over and see if I have some crossing-nugget I wish to impart”
Omnipotent as in “I paint my own street markers to ensure the safety of the masses” Only a crossing czarina paints her own RED LINE on the corner and demands “turn around and wait behind the RED LINE.”
As I approached your safety altar with the stroller, you scrambled into position—alerting the lack of traffic with your handy portable STOP sign. I might’ve avoided you all together, but I took the opportunity to obey your authority, and respect your craft-of-the-cross.
But then we had the second cross to contend with. I enjoy the pomp and circumstance of the crosswalk as much as the next biped, and I had no intention of a blatant jay-walk in your presence. Did you note my pause-n-turn genuflection at the curb, before you insisted I go all the way back up behind your RED LINE? I needed that reminder. Thank you.
Thank you also for warning me that a U-turn in a school zone costs $85. My kindergartner assumes you write the tickets. Do you issue citations?
Finally, thanks for screaming at me to move my car at pick up time yesterday, as the car was only halfway parked in the three allotted 10 minute waiting spots, and halfway in the NoparkingNostandingNoleavingyourpreschoolerunattendedNowaytopickupyourkindergartner spot.
You’re a lifesaver.
Ann
###
A couple things that have come to my intention:
1) Thursday is "It's Time To Talk Day." Liz Claiborne Inc.’s Moms and Dads for Education (MADE) to Stop Teen Dating Abuse is a coalition of parents, teachers and concerned citizens advocating that every high school in the country teach a curriculum on preventing dating relationship violence and abuse. Meaghan from Mama's Cup is partnering with Liz Clairborne to help with this very important effort, and asked me to spread the word.
2) Kate of The Big Piece of Cake had the idea to promote indie designers/artists and small companies as a great option for holiday shopping on her As Good As Cake site. It's a sucky economy and the little guys are finding it harder and harder to keep their businesses afloat. Go check out her giveaways and help our fellow blogger/entrepreneurs in the process.
3) Finally, if you are having trouble staying afloat financially, there is help. NFCC.org has launched a series of videos, giving access to free information called “Financial Fast Facts,” brief videos that can be utilized with minimal effort to ensure the right, financial steps are taken before the big holiday rush arrives.
No, I didn't accept gifts or money or anything (accept for a slightly clearer conscious, perhaps) in exchange for any of this linkage. Clearly I need to work on this issue in therapy.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Potential Blog Taglines:
Ann’s Rants: One Hairy Mofo
Ann’s Rants: Writing quiets the horrendous children’s music in my head
Ann’s Rants: I wish I could remember that awesome one I thought of last night
Ann’s Rants: A Lillian Vernon catalog for the weary
Ann’s Rants: I fucking hate potty training
Ann’s Rants: Codependent Some More
Ann’s Rants: Physical Comedy, Physical Therapy
Ann’s Rants: Assembling dinner. Again.
Ann’s Rants: Get your furry ass off my keyboard
Ann’s Rants: (Not YOU, my cat)
Ann’s Rants: Give Pants A Chance
Ann’s Rants: Trying to spell judgement and priviledge
Ann’s Rants: The ‘Sconnie Jewess, almost named Louis*
Ann’s Rants: I don’t know how to end this
Ann’s Rants: Remind me of your name
*according to my mom, had I been a boy
Ann’s Rants: Writing quiets the horrendous children’s music in my head
Ann’s Rants: I wish I could remember that awesome one I thought of last night
Ann’s Rants: A Lillian Vernon catalog for the weary
Ann’s Rants: I fucking hate potty training
Ann’s Rants: Codependent Some More
Ann’s Rants: Physical Comedy, Physical Therapy
Ann’s Rants: Assembling dinner. Again.
Ann’s Rants: Get your furry ass off my keyboard
Ann’s Rants: (Not YOU, my cat)
Ann’s Rants: Give Pants A Chance
Ann’s Rants: Trying to spell judgement and priviledge
Ann’s Rants: The ‘Sconnie Jewess, almost named Louis*
Ann’s Rants: I don’t know how to end this
Ann’s Rants: Remind me of your name
*according to my mom, had I been a boy
Thursday, November 19, 2009
The House that dwell Built!
This is the house that dwell built!
This is the urban couple dressed mostly in black
With a Small-Paul clad toddler, their son named Jack
That dreamed of a house that dwell Built
This is a sign reading “foreclosed”
Hanging from the reclaimed door, raw and exposed
That mortgaged the future of the couple in black
With a small-Paul clad toddler, their son named Jack
That dreamed of a house that dwell Built.
These are the invoices piled high
Because of one change from the feng shui guy
That resulted in the sign reading “foreclosed”
Hanging from the reclaimed door, raw and exposed
That mortgaged the future of the couple in black
With a Small-Paul clad toddler, their son named Jack
That dreamed of a house that dwell Built
This is the feng shui guy consulting his bagua
That foretold of a potty in an inauspicious area
That halted the project in one fell swoop
By the contractor fuming on the poured concrete stoop
That ruined the plans for a simple prefab
That changed the scope to an eco-Zen-friendly rehab
Of bamboo upholstery and denim insulation
Of solar panel window walls, and water moderation
That broke the budget, taking them back to phase one
With lots of ordering yet to be done
That caused the couple to argue and stress
Over making their collective carbon footprint less
While retaining a mid-century open floor plan
That emptied their pockets, one and two grand
Of custom authentic barn-style doors
Of non-guaranteed cork and teak floors
That generated the invoices piled high
Because of one change from the feng shui guy
That mortgaged the future of the couple in black
With a small-Paul clad toddler, their son named Jack
That dreamed of a house that dwell built.
This is the urban couple dressed mostly in black
With a Small-Paul clad toddler, their son named Jack
That dreamed of a house that dwell Built
This is a sign reading “foreclosed”
Hanging from the reclaimed door, raw and exposed
That mortgaged the future of the couple in black
With a small-Paul clad toddler, their son named Jack
That dreamed of a house that dwell Built.
These are the invoices piled high
Because of one change from the feng shui guy
That resulted in the sign reading “foreclosed”
Hanging from the reclaimed door, raw and exposed
That mortgaged the future of the couple in black
With a Small-Paul clad toddler, their son named Jack
That dreamed of a house that dwell Built
This is the feng shui guy consulting his bagua
That foretold of a potty in an inauspicious area
That halted the project in one fell swoop
By the contractor fuming on the poured concrete stoop
That ruined the plans for a simple prefab
That changed the scope to an eco-Zen-friendly rehab
Of bamboo upholstery and denim insulation
Of solar panel window walls, and water moderation
That broke the budget, taking them back to phase one
With lots of ordering yet to be done
That caused the couple to argue and stress
Over making their collective carbon footprint less
While retaining a mid-century open floor plan
That emptied their pockets, one and two grand
Of custom authentic barn-style doors
Of non-guaranteed cork and teak floors
That generated the invoices piled high
Because of one change from the feng shui guy
That mortgaged the future of the couple in black
With a small-Paul clad toddler, their son named Jack
That dreamed of a house that dwell built.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
WOW. This stuff is cool WOW! Thanks, WOW!
Dear Angela and Wow Spring 2009 Contest Staff,I received my prize box today, and want to thank you for your thoughtful generosity. The hoodie and t-shirt look so comfy and cute--I adore that kelly green color and the fun graphics.
The book by sponsor Diana Kirschner, PhD (client of guest judge, literary agent Wendy Sherman)"Love in 90 days" looks funny and insightful, as does Annette Fix's memoir "The Break Up Diet." Did you select those titles specifically for me? (Dialing marriage counselor).
The gift certificate for grammarbook.com is invaluable, as is the WOW tote bag for library books or a six-packof Zima--whichever the occasion calls for.
I especially appreciated the hand-written note expressing your enthusiasm for my entry "Date Night" and my writing in general. I will save it in the "things to read when I need to shut up my inner critic and/or need to even myself out after a rejection" file.
Ten dollars is such a small price to pay for the benefits your contests provide. I love your website and look forward to accessing premium green markets for free-lance writing and networking opportunities. WOW is a fantastic place for writers.
With much appreciation and full intention of reusing the pretty pink tissue paper,
Ann
###
I've closed comments, but please feel free to deposit them over at Jayne's blog In Jaynes World. Jayne--former TV writer/current multi-blog-writer-political rantress interviewed me for Neil's Great Interview Experiment. Please go visit!
Monday, November 9, 2009
My Carbon Footprint: Paul Bunyan-sized and filled with Tidy Cat
What I should do for my planet: invest in a pick-ax or ice-fishing tools and bury cat feces in my backyard throughout our five months of winter. Or use flushable litter and spend even more time with our toilet and surrounding “back splash.” Better yet, once I get A3 (Almost Three) potty-trained, I should train Dexter (Fat Ass) to toilet. Because the pervasive camp bathroom smell in our house needs a little more oomph.
What I do to my planet instead: Entomb hoagie-sized clumps of cat urine in plastic bags to preserve in landfills for all eternity. I believe this practice is actually illegal, as is the term “hoagie” but I always liked hearing Cliff Huxtable say it on The Cosby Show, and wanted to use it in context at least once in my life. No one in my geographical area uses the word hoagie. Also, when archaeologists dig up our modern civilization, I want cat feces represented along with Doggie-doodoo bags and Diaper-Genie-Sausages.
Before someone gives me the name of a biodegradable cat-colostomy bag, I want you to know that I have thought this through. As I try to wedge the pee-clump-hoagie into narrow newspaper sleeves, I am proudly reusing and recycling. I saved every one of those bags from when I subscribed to the daily paper—until I decided that all that newsprint was wasteful even if it was recycled, and I was tired of the clutter, and I couldn’t stomach anymore local stories like the one about the couple who let their pet rat eat their infant’s toes. That did not help me greet the morning. So I sacrificed my command of current events for Mother earth, as well as my vocabulary, because my plan to utilize on-line crossword puzzles and breaking news cannot compete with the high priority that is “building my platform.”
If you do not know what "building my platform" is, you might call it "wasting my entire life on facebook" or perhaps you meditate or spend your free time with the humans in your family.
As you sit in judgment of my eco-terrorism, please do note that not only am I reusing newspaper sleeves and educating future archeologists, I have also sacrificed my health by coming into contact with the toxoplasmo-gies. I do it all in the name of Gaia. AND after all this sacrifice, one of my first blog friends, Joanne, is going to be pissed at me for not supporting my local newspaper (see below).
In closing, can the etymologist in the group verify any connection between Paul Bunyan and bunions, as they both famously involve feet?
###
Submit your unusual gift anecdote to The Falmouth Enterprise!
Joanne, Special Section Coordinator of The Enterprise Newspapers, and blogger from The Mommy Rant , wants answers to the following question:
"What is the strangest gift you've ever received?"
Responses can be in the form of a single word, or a single word with a short explanation of why it was unusual. She's hoping to publish it in the holiday gift guide, so she would like your first and last name, as well as the name of the town you live in. She is probably less interested in whether or not you use the word hoagie in your town.
Email your response to Joanne
jbriana.gartner@gmail.com
What I do to my planet instead: Entomb hoagie-sized clumps of cat urine in plastic bags to preserve in landfills for all eternity. I believe this practice is actually illegal, as is the term “hoagie” but I always liked hearing Cliff Huxtable say it on The Cosby Show, and wanted to use it in context at least once in my life. No one in my geographical area uses the word hoagie. Also, when archaeologists dig up our modern civilization, I want cat feces represented along with Doggie-doodoo bags and Diaper-Genie-Sausages.
Before someone gives me the name of a biodegradable cat-colostomy bag, I want you to know that I have thought this through. As I try to wedge the pee-clump-hoagie into narrow newspaper sleeves, I am proudly reusing and recycling. I saved every one of those bags from when I subscribed to the daily paper—until I decided that all that newsprint was wasteful even if it was recycled, and I was tired of the clutter, and I couldn’t stomach anymore local stories like the one about the couple who let their pet rat eat their infant’s toes. That did not help me greet the morning. So I sacrificed my command of current events for Mother earth, as well as my vocabulary, because my plan to utilize on-line crossword puzzles and breaking news cannot compete with the high priority that is “building my platform.”
If you do not know what "building my platform" is, you might call it "wasting my entire life on facebook" or perhaps you meditate or spend your free time with the humans in your family.
As you sit in judgment of my eco-terrorism, please do note that not only am I reusing newspaper sleeves and educating future archeologists, I have also sacrificed my health by coming into contact with the toxoplasmo-gies. I do it all in the name of Gaia. AND after all this sacrifice, one of my first blog friends, Joanne, is going to be pissed at me for not supporting my local newspaper (see below).
In closing, can the etymologist in the group verify any connection between Paul Bunyan and bunions, as they both famously involve feet?
###
Submit your unusual gift anecdote to The Falmouth Enterprise!
Joanne, Special Section Coordinator of The Enterprise Newspapers, and blogger from The Mommy Rant , wants answers to the following question:
"What is the strangest gift you've ever received?"
Responses can be in the form of a single word, or a single word with a short explanation of why it was unusual. She's hoping to publish it in the holiday gift guide, so she would like your first and last name, as well as the name of the town you live in. She is probably less interested in whether or not you use the word hoagie in your town.
Email your response to Joanne
jbriana.gartner@gmail.com
Thursday, November 5, 2009
"Pledged": A Book Report
This fall I read “Pledged: The Secret Life of Sororities” by Alexandra Robbins. Highlights included the weekly house meeting discussion over whether or not one sister should go change her underwear, and a graphic description of the rush wardrobe approval process (NO FLIP FLOPS). I learned some valuable lessons:
1. Everyone who you tell you are reading “Pledged: The Secret Life of Sororities” will say their sorority wasn’t like that.
2. “Everyone” refers to one person on Twitter, because mostly you hide “Pledged” in a quilted book cover with handles on it for easy toting.
3. The word “Secret” must refer specifically to Sabrina’s student/faculty romance, because everyone already knows everything else in this undercover expose.
4. I bet Alexandra Robbins uses the phrase “pre-game” all the time now. Before I go accept my Pulitzer? Pony-keg pre-game at my place!
5. The Beta Pis (or was it the Alpha Rhos) used alcohol in their pancakes for their big pancakes-for-charity event. AND the Iota guys didn’t even notice!!
6. People totally cheat during Greek Week!
7. You should start preparing yourself for rush your freshman year of high school, or even as soon as you become a biped.
8. Sisterhood means forever. Forever means a lot of ugly bridesmaid dresses (I didn’t learn that from the book, but I’m highly intuitive.)
9. Seniors totally abuse their seniority in house meetings!
10. During rush you have to be nice to everybody! Even the ugly nerds. If you get stuck talking to an ugly nerd just put your hand on your hip and someone will come rescue you. Unless you're the fat girl in the sorority, in which case we might ignore your distress signal.And whatever you do, DO NOT TOUCH THE FOOD. The food is only for the rushees, but they will be too bowel-irritated to eat anything. And if they do eat something--or a lot of something we all take note and remember. Because we have a lot of people to remember and so when her face comes up on the screen I might yell "FatUglyNerd who ate cheese" and you will all know who I am referring to. This is very very important.
1. Everyone who you tell you are reading “Pledged: The Secret Life of Sororities” will say their sorority wasn’t like that.
2. “Everyone” refers to one person on Twitter, because mostly you hide “Pledged” in a quilted book cover with handles on it for easy toting.
3. The word “Secret” must refer specifically to Sabrina’s student/faculty romance, because everyone already knows everything else in this undercover expose.
4. I bet Alexandra Robbins uses the phrase “pre-game” all the time now. Before I go accept my Pulitzer? Pony-keg pre-game at my place!
5. The Beta Pis (or was it the Alpha Rhos) used alcohol in their pancakes for their big pancakes-for-charity event. AND the Iota guys didn’t even notice!!
6. People totally cheat during Greek Week!
7. You should start preparing yourself for rush your freshman year of high school, or even as soon as you become a biped.
8. Sisterhood means forever. Forever means a lot of ugly bridesmaid dresses (I didn’t learn that from the book, but I’m highly intuitive.)
9. Seniors totally abuse their seniority in house meetings!
10. During rush you have to be nice to everybody! Even the ugly nerds. If you get stuck talking to an ugly nerd just put your hand on your hip and someone will come rescue you. Unless you're the fat girl in the sorority, in which case we might ignore your distress signal.And whatever you do, DO NOT TOUCH THE FOOD. The food is only for the rushees, but they will be too bowel-irritated to eat anything. And if they do eat something--or a lot of something we all take note and remember. Because we have a lot of people to remember and so when her face comes up on the screen I might yell "FatUglyNerd who ate cheese" and you will all know who I am referring to. This is very very important.
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